INFJs are, by definition, rare, reserved, and unlikely to initiate anything, which means that many of them can end up alone and misunderstood. To help with things, I’ve compiled a list of points which I think would be of great use to anyone considering dating someone who identifies as an INFJ.
- For most INFJs, omitting or distorting information is equivalent to lying, and at the very least will rouse their suspicion. INFJs have an acute sensitivity for stories which don’t quite fit. At the same time, INFJs also like to assume the best and can be extremely gullible.
- INFJs are adept at nonverbal communication (eye gaze, touching, body language, etc.). Just because they’re not speaking doesn’t mean they’re not saying something.
- INFJs have an extremely complex internal value system. An INFJ will see if you ‘fit’ into their world, and they’ll bend their own rules if they really like you. INFJs tend to have very high standards, but are also very accepting once they trust you and know you’re safe.
- INFJs can be pretty intense emotionally. This isn’t to say that they can get into a heated argument, in fact INFJs avoid conflict, however they are easily hurt and feel very deeply. It’s not uncommon for INFJs to cry if they feel something very deeply.
- INFJs are weird / odd / strange / extremely rare and they very much know it. They yearn to be understood and want to be accepted as they are (as most people do, of course). An INFJ is incredibly complex, so complex they confuse even themselves. They almost always feel misunderstood and ‘hidden’. They will be offended if you pass them off as ‘simple’ or ‘average’. Getting to know an INFJ takes work, so be prepared for that. A lot of gentle enquiry is required.
- INFJs can often mimic other types.
- INFJs are typically better in writing than in verbal communication. If you want to know an INFJ’s true feelings, ask them to write out what they think and feel.
- INFJs don’t typically engage in casual relationships. Most of them will become too attached for it to be possible. If your intentions aren’t serious then you should probably steer clear of an INFJ unless it’s very obvious beforehand that they aren’t interested in a serious relationship.
- An INFJ’s allegiance is no trifle. If an INFJ wants to stick by you, it means they really like you. Do not violate that gift.
- INFJs consciously choose the people that are close to them. They would rather have a few very close friendships as opposed to numerous superficial ones.
- They open up at a dinosauric pace. They typically hold themselves back and consider that behaviour to be part of their nature. They’ve been described as having ‘layers’ which only a select few people are privy to, the closer the layer to their heart, the fewer people are granted access. Do not expect to find yourself in the ‘top tier’ overnight. It often takes months or years to access the deepest recesses.
- INFJs, like other idealists, love harmony. While an INFJ is relatively adept at conflict resolution, they do not appreciate the unneeded creation of conflict. An INFJ will strive for harmony.
- The ‘N’ combined with the ‘J’ in INFJ means that they are future oriented. Do everything you can to make yourself seem like a long-term option. If you become destructively impulsive, an INFJ will lose the ability to see you as a long-term mate, and will become unhappy as a result. INFJs are future-oriented and have powerful imaginations and superb insight.
- INFJs are extremely sensitive. Make sure that criticism is handed as lightly as possible and constructively. At the same time, INFJs love to please their partner, and will work on an issue if presented in the right way. When to be blunt with an INFJ: never. Be honest and direct, but there’s a fine line between direct and insensitive.
- INFJs love helping people. If you’re bad at accepting help (yes, accepting help is a skill), then get ready to have problems. To reject an INFJ’s help is to reject their love, and one of the things they hold nearest to their hearts.
- An INFJ’s ability to help people goes hand-in-hand with their ability to destroy people. Their keen knowledge of people’s weaknessess means they can either help you incredibly or destroy you, however the latter is extremely rare and is only reserved for people they believe have done serious harm to them or others.
- They need patience but they give patience in return.
- They’re curious about other people. To their friends, they are very accepting. However, the closer one gets to an INFJ’s heart, the more their standards will apply to the other person, which can sometimes create issues.
- They often have darker periods where they close up. They can become monk-like and reclusive. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they need to recharge.
- They can be stubborn once they believe they’re in the right, especially if it has to do with their values.
- INFJs hardly ever initiate anything. They like it when the other person initiates a conversation, contact, etc.
- INFJs need 2 things to thrive: trust and safety. Trusting you is about knowing that you’re ethically and morally upstanding (or at least in accordance with their values), and feeling safe is knowing that you’ll stick by them. INFJs don’t want to open up to people who might disappear overnight. If an INFJ feels they can trust you and feels safe with you, they’ll be very happy. The only added bonus is to tell them how much you appreciate them.
- Their energy drains when around others. They will need time alone to ‘feel like themselves’.
- Your energy will easily affect them. If you seem unstable, etc., it will seep into them and poison them. It has often been said that an INFJ’s partner has to be strong, and this is generally true.
- INFJs live in a world of fantasy. They can have problems consolidating their idealism with the reality of the world.
Useful quotes from the internet about INFJs:
On truth:
“INFJs are all about deeds, not words. Don’t fuck up anything when you are granted a stage by an INFJ. It may take a long time before they give you that stage. Remember that they are intently testing you at that point. Talk all you want after that audition, providing you pass the test. The conversation will be most pleasant forever after… until you fuck up.
Eight years of marriage to a textbook INFJ has taught me the power of truth. I have seen what happens to people who deceive an INFJ. They are dropped like a hot pan.”
On vengeance:
“I do think that’s one of the main features of the INFJ type, vital even: a strong sense of right and wrong; they can’t tolerate wrongdoings of any kind. But at the same time, I’ve observed that INFJ’s attitude over their sense of morals comes in two variants; Jesus-like ones that say “turn the other cheek”, and the badass Kenshin ones that punish wrongdoers.”
—
“I have an INFJ friend, who is someone I would never EVER want to piss off, I’ve seen him angry only once in my life, and he goes all out then, lashing out to the point that it’s fearsome and it takes nearly an hour for him to cool down… it would start with him just suddenly becoming quiet and very isolated and then bam!
If ever in a war, that dude is on my side as a general!”
—
“We go through great efforts to keep everything civil, friendly, and harmonious, and we even allow people a certain amount of “buffer space”. But once you’ve overstepped that boundary or pushed things too far, then BAM! Tactical. Nuclear. Strike.”
—
“When someone gets the better of us, and they do so in a way that is not admirable, they become mortal enemies that must be vexed immediately.”
—
“I agree with the above. I will take a lot of abuse now, but once I am pushed to a point and feel I have nothing to lose or protect, well, you are pretty much dead meat. I will sit on every piece of ammunition I have and let the offender do their best, and then in the end, I let it all loose.
If you get on their good side, you have made a wonderful ally for life, and most likely they will use their arsenal to protect you.”
—
“I’m an INFJ, and I sometimes mentally play out what I’d like to say to someone I’m angry with, but I have never (and would never) take physical vengeance on anyone. I’m incredibly patient, but do eventually have a point where I will calmly tell someone what they have done to upset me and whether or not I will be able to get past it. If it’s something I can’t get past, that’s pretty much the end of things with that person.”
On holding back:
“My tendency to hold back IS who I am, and I am okay with that. I embrace that.
Because I am here and my friends know it. I am at my maximum potential when I am taking care of my family, yes, but I have many close friendships I nurture on a regular (every few weeks) basis, and they are almost as important to me.”
—
“INFJs take time to open up. They are slow burners. I find I can’t really get to know them until after many prolonged conversations. But after you enter their realm of trust they are the sweetest, most genuine people.”
On Sex:
“If I pursued a lot of meaningless sexual relationships, I can guarantee you I would be miserable in the end. It’s not in my nature. I am 100% aware that I’m someone who has to have a certain level of emotional bonding and trust to have sex with someone, and while I’ve had friends give me a hard time for it in the past, I accept this about myself. I can’t turn that off, and I know it. So, instead of living in denial, trying to be “the tough chick who can have sex like a man,” I hold out for someone who actually values my true nature. If I didn’t do that, I’d only be hurting myself over and over again. Denying your true nature in an effort to be “fashionable” or “modern” or “independent,” in my opinion, really comes back to bite you in the ass.”
—
“I can’t see the appeal of casual sex, for me I have to be in a relationship with someone before I’d consider sex with them. Sexual intimacy is much more valued and emotional to me and I do not want to waste that on people I don’t know or do not have a special bond with.”
—
“I take care of and very much value my body. If I’ve just met that person, I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of a stranger touching me the same way as someone who respects and loves me. I don’t judge others for what they do with their bodies, but I know what feels right and what doesn’t feel right for me.”
—
“Can’t do casual. Must be committed. Feel safe.”
On Feeling Different:
“I have always felt extremely different from others. I know when people are sick, even sometimes right down to what is bothering them. I am automatically drawn to people in pain and instinctively help people through hard times with out even knowing I am doing it.”
On Love:
“INFJs are more “for the cause”, not free-love.”
—
“INFJs look scary love-wise.”
Other Useful Quotes:
“If I go to a party, I find that I do latch on to one or two people I feel comfortable with or click with, and try to have a meaningful conversation with them of some sort. I CAN mingle well, but I prefer not too as it’s draining for me. I am not an extrovert so I know I will not be the life of the party, but I do not expect myself to be, beyond making a bold entrance, which I kinda like to do. I like the excitement of hanging back and wondering who will give me the vibe, or who’s energy I’ll pick up on, and if that will be a surprising find, as in someone I wouldn’t ordinarily talk to.”
—
“I can listen a person’s mouth off.”
—
“INFJs are attracted to martyrdom like a moth to a flame.”
Feel free to comment on this post and add suggestions.
Hi. I’m sean
An iNFJ and demisexual. Both things extremely rare for guys. Something like 1% of us in the world are this way. But the combination is incredibly strange and beautiful all at the same time! Anyway, any females who would like to talk about whatever… email me:
sean021122@gmail.com
I’m not even sure what my ‘type’ is, other than overwhelmingly complicated, but lots of what you’ve written here has made so much sense to me – thank you for that.
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Reblogged this on sleep away and commented:
breath of fresh air
This completely fits me, except I have a lot of social anxiety and I feel like people are a foreign species to me. I feel like being an INFJ is a very lonely and isolated life, but INFJs’ fight for morality and righteousness makes us never want to give up. I find myself very determined to keep trying. I’m also going to be a psychologist to help people.
I’m really curious if anyone has ever had a problem with eye contact. I just cannot do it. I can be funny, I can be charming, I can be charismatic, but once I have to start listening to someone it all goes down the toilet because when I try listening to them all I can think about is how weird it must look that I’m looking at their face. And then they get uncomfortable and it’s obvious. Sometimes close friends address the problem. I really want to get this sorted out because I feel like it’s really the only problem I have when I’m interacting with people. Someone help a brutha out plz!
( –21 year old female INFJ
yes.
i do this all the time too and have been called out by friends as well. i think it’s a coping mechanism that kicks in because of the social necessity of being outgoing and charming, which i think INFJs can do very well. it just happens we also know we’re filling a constructed social role and know everyone else is too, so to look in somebody’s eyes means to actually connect with them and bring the social dance stop or dramatically change to a new genre of song. it generally feels safer to just focus on perpetuating the world constructed rather than step out of line and feel clumsy and awkward by noticing how silly and superficial everyone really seems (and it’s ok to be superficial sometimes! i think it allows for some really intricate humor and playfulness).
i also suspect this is why we can seem especially charming (for those who know to use their ESTP shadow in a positive way). i’m sure it feels like hide-in-go seek to observers. we dance around and have fun, and then there are intermittent glimpses of their reality and get really self-conscious and bashful.
on a side note, does anyone have the same experience of looking VERY different in photos? i suspect this might be a related phenomena.
George, YES! I have been waiting for someone else to notice this about themselves for YEARS and have yet to find someone else other than yourself! I am an INFJ and left handed, and what I’ve come to notice is that a lot of times I can tell when someone is left handed just by looking at a photo of them. It’s SO weird and I really can’t explain it. I don’t know how I would be able to tell someone’s handedness by looking at a photo, but I can’t help but feel that it’s something in the way their eyes focus on the camera that gives me that feeling. If anyone has any idea what I’m trying to say here, PLEASE HELP! It happens alot when I’m looking through magazines. I’ll see a little blurb on an upcoming actor or something and I’ll be looking at their picture and go, “I think they’re left handed.” Then I google it, of course, and 9 times out of 10, I’m right. It’s not that I get that feeling about EVERY picture I see and look up every picture and then only remember the times that I’m right and neglect to remember the times I’m wrong. I RARELY get this feeling, but when I do, I’m always right. What gives?! How could I possibly be able to know when someone is left handed just by their photo!? Sorry I just rambled for a bit, but also, I DO have a big problem with eye contact. I find it rude sometimes and feel like I’m “mean muggin’” someone if I’m giving them direct eye contact, but in our culture it’s seen as honest and open. Why do I feel this way? I can’t figure it out.
I’m an INFJ. I used to have issues looking into other’s eyes but I always chalked it up to being raised by a Native American. My step-dad always said that staring into people’s eyes was akin to soul stealing.
I have found that it gets better with age; all I do is tell myself that I really want to connect and understand the other person. When that happens, I forget about the discomfort of looking into their eyes. I hope this helps.
My mom is half native american but I wasn’t raised like that culturally. I wonder if that still has anything to do with it, though?
You can always look at a point on someone’s forehead rather than look them in the eye. Then they will think you are looking them in the eye and you won’t have that awkward chain reaction thing.
Dude, I love you for writing this.
I was always the oddball, clinging on to principles and overly sensitive. I remember in elementary school, I was the biggest crybaby. I got made fun a lot and it always hurt. People tried to tell me to just shrug it off but it just doesn’t work that way for me.
I always felt undervalued and misunderstood. People do flock to me but I usually push them away or they misinterpret my withdrawal as disinterest.
I have a strong sense of right and wrong. Sometimes, I get upset over “little things” in traffic. I feel very strongly about that. If there’s a damn line for an on-ramp, wait on the line like everyone else! Anyone that tries to cut the line, I’ll willing to hit. On the flip side, those who I deem aren’t bad people are frequently let into the lane or I wave them to go first. It’s just like it says up there. I’m as nice as it can be until you make me mad. Then I’m your worst nightmare.
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I’m an INFJ but I’ve never felt strange or weird. I’ve always gotten along well with others. While I have my few very close friends, I also have a lot of acquaintances and am quite well liked to my best knowledge. Everything else perfectly describes me, though!
I’m an INFJ but I’ve never felt strange or weird. I’ve always gotten along well with others. While I have my few very close friends, I also have a lot of acquaintances and am quite well liked to my best knowledge. Everything else perfectly describes me, though!
I am reading this post trying to overcome a recurring bout of depression. I ended up laughing hard at how much I relate to everything said in it. Sometimes I just want to be understood and to fit in, and the second that happens, I sabotage it because I am ready to be alone. I honestly don’t see myself in a relationship because I feel violated if I can’t have copious amounts of time for reflection and to think out loud.
I am bittersweet because it is (places like) here I feel understood, but I will venture forth tomorrow and find myself staring at the map of my logic yet forever lost.
After reading this article. Its like I’ve been tore open because I am INFJ and every point just relates to me
Hello fellow INFJs! So glad to have found this article and like-minded individuals. We should totally have a gathering.
I’m female, fifteen this year, turning sixteen soon. I spent elementary and middle school feeling pretty much out of place. Whenever I said or did something, my classmates would find me strange or weird. However, I’ve always thought that I did things with more logic than they did most of the time. I’m not bragging. I guess this is my character as an INFJ. i feel that I’m wiser most of the time.
I have an ESTP friend and he is really the exact opposite of me. Knowing him for quite long, I went online to research on ESTP and bingo, my intuition was correct again. So I’m trusting it full on from this year.
i’m in high school now, and I try to fit in, which I actually succeed. (Kind of) I am occasionally weird too, but my friends accept me for who I am. I have never enjoyed conflict and my lack of this makes me an alien against my batchmates who are determined to lecture my juniors for their poor performance. I am vehemently opposed of course, but I am only one person, and sometimes I lose my belief.
I have never been in a relationship before. I am very envious of my schoolmates of course, because almost everyone has/had been in a relationship. But looking at this article, I feel better. So it’s not that I’m not attractive, but actually looking for a long term relationship. I’ve been pushing people away from me when they get too close for comfort though, but I do know that we will not last in the future.
I have experienced bouts of depression before, when I didn’t fit in or felt less than adequate. But I pulled myself out of it by being optimistic, and telling myself that I have so much more to do, some much more people to help and inspire.
Being young, many of my elders or same-age friends don’t believe in my intuition or some of my advice. But I do, and I want to be a doctor. I hope being an INFJ helps me in this. ^^ Thank you if you’re reading this. Reply me too!
yes your intuiton well help you in being a doctor.push on dont change your standards for anyone.im a 22 year old man.but because i am infj i always felt different.i was a virgin until i was 20.i took pride in my purity even though friends and family would insult me.a friend told me there is nothing good of a guy virgin.my mother told me be a man be a man and have sex.i finally had sex because i thought it would make me normal that i would no longer refuse lust and accept it..sex felt great but AS SOON as i was done i felt horrible i felt i ruined my life.in a way i did but i am a guy so it is diifferent with girls.with girls there is a reason it is cherished being pure.my point dont be envious that you dont have a relationship.it will only cause you pain if the person u like does not have mutual feelings.and i also would get scoff at because of my intuition.but it is a gift and whenever i would not listen to my 6 sense i would pay the price.but yeah wait untill your married.go to church if you dont not everyone is perfect but people in church at least make an effort to be good..p.s i have not had sex since i got rid of my virginity..because i a weirdo i prefer talking than fornication
thank you for your reply^^ that certainly taught a young INFJ something.
Hi there! I think its really good that you understand yourself so well at this young stage in life! I agree with david, believe in your intuition and trust yourself. I wish i notice that i’m an INFJ earlier, that will definitely made my life a lot easier.
I’m 26 male, and i’m just starting to understand and learn more about myself. Non-INFJ, majority of the population do tend to think that we’re weird, in fact, they’ll probably think that it weird that we’re reading this. I have to say that finding our ‘ideal’ partner is going to be a very difficult task. My advice is, don’t rush it, and I think you’re doing great. I did have a gf from high school to college, and then I became a jerk and met another girl in a casual relationship, that is for sure something which I regret to this date. I’ve been single for 5 years until I started my second relationship recently. I have to say it’s not as easy as it is. Especially for a male INFJ when you don’t want to scare the girl away in such early stage. We tend to be so sensitive that these minor things might mean a lot for us that our partners might not realize and it just seems weird to be brought up. I wonder if theres any way for an INFJ to step back a bit in their relationship.
But anyways, Elora, you’re doing great and I wish you luck in your studies!
Must say it’s pretty nice to hear people talking about things that go through my mind on daily basis…im sure a lot of you guys deal with constant depression, and in our society, and especially as a male, it almost seems like it never gets any easier. I will say though in regards to relationships, I’ve been with a girl going on 6 years now….and the only reason we work is because she has a beautiful soul, and obviously because of our hyper-sensitivity we need partners who have a certain optimism and light-heartedness to them to level us out a bit. My advice, and granted it will take you a while to truely open up, but given our intuitive prowess do whatever you feel is right at that time. And if she is the right women, you won’t scare her…she will see how incredible people with our personality type really are! Unfortunately it usually takes women to go through a bad relationship in order to realize what a catch a guy INFJ is. But best of luck, and lets all keep fighting for our beleifs regardless of what life may throw at us!
Wow….this is like….EXACTLY MY LIFE.
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I have spent years fighting and struggling against myself. Wondering why I have such issues with connecting with friends and staying connected. With getting overly attached with someone I’m dating and struggling with not letting my morals and values bend. Reading this has helped me so much to put into words and understand my behavior. I’m so thankful to have found this and all the comments. I’ve experienced a lot of abuse through my life especially in my relationships both verbally and physically and I realize it’s now because of how much I react to situations due to my core, my personality. Thanks for the hope and advice everyone that has commented. It has helped so much.
Read “The Introvert Advantage” – I’ve wrestled with this since I was a kid. I read this and cried at one point. It will enlighten.
Good luck
jb
Hi I am a 29 year old INFJ. This made my cry because I’ve been trying to explain to people and understand myself for so long and this just explained everything. Thank you for making me feel less alone.
It was so, so, so good to read this. I’ve never seen so many INFJs gathered in one place before! Reading a personality test in theory you know you’re not completely crazy, but it was still such an amazing moment to see so many other people out there who think and respond like. Like discovering that there’s life on other planets after all! Suddenly the universe is a cozier place
I am characteristically tardy to the party of this thread, but I have a reply if it would be helpful, and a question.
I’m a strong INFJ and have tested that way since college, once I got out of my high school need to seem more easygoing and social (during which phase I tested ENFP). I’m a female, 27 years old.
There are a lot of job questions on the board, and career has always been a pretty easy area of my life to dive into so I wanted to share my experience. As far as employment goes, I’ve been really lucky to always find positions that fit with where I wanted to go next in life and which taught me something that served me in positions down the line. I have a strong background in biology – thought for sure I was going to become a veterinarian, but my university did live dissection on small animals (rats, mice, baby ducks) to weed out the tenderhearted and I was definitely weeded.
After that, I moved into the fine and liberal arts. I’ve made my living since graduation primarily as a writer (technical as well as arts and entertainment) and massage therapist. Right now I’m working in development communications, and I LOVE it. It’s an amazing intersection of a lot of things that are important to me: travel, adventure, helping people, working within organizations that generally have positive energy (because everyone else wants to be there too and is focused on the greater good, not just paychecks and counting down to vacation).
The city that I’m in does also pay pretty well, which is nice; I had some persistent stress about money in the last new city and country where I moved, and ended up getting mysteriously ill in a way that I think was largely psychosomatic, related to the constant worry. I think development work is really rewarding, and it’s where I see the middle part of my career because of the potential to impact so many lives. It’s big, thrilling work and I’m also still pinching myself that I’ve finally found a way to get paid to write and move to other countries, which is something I’ve always done and financed myself
The one thing I would say is that you have to have some patience with bureaucracy and having to go through many channels to get your work done, especially the higher up you go. In organizations with a smaller media presence, you can have a surprising amount of freedom and autonomy in the communications sector from a pretty young age if you work hard, which has been wonderful.
I miss bodywork, because while it’s thrilling to work to help people on a large scale, the smaller connection and tactile concentration of massage is also healing. That’s the only job I’ve ever had where I was energized at the end of a long day instead of depleted. You’re constantly with people, but you’re mostly silent and all communication is both deep and subtle, happening without words. Plus, my understanding of and love for anatomy and physiology come into play and moving along muscles while visualizing their shape and layers in my mind’s eye is like playing a symphony. Really, really amazing.
For those of you on the thread thinking about massage therapy, I offer a resounding YES – but find a program that is about the emotional and spiritual aspects of massage as well as just quick fixes for tennis elbow or whatever. I worked in a practice that had a strong sports massage focus in New England (already kind of an uptight place) and found that I was falling out of love with the work because I felt like a mechanic: people would run themselves into the ground, come to me for a tuneup, then leave without internalizing any practices of self-care. I fell back in love with it after I moved to a spa that had a focus on fitness, health, and wellness in a holistic setting. When I leave development work (I don’t really see myself ever fully retiring… I like having something I can apply myself to), I’d like to go back into bodywork and flexibility instruction. I really like that it helps other people while keeping me fit and grounded myself.
And now (if anyone is still reading this soliloquy!), a question. Although I’ve known I was an INFJ for a long time, it took me a while to come to terms with how different I seem to be from my friends when it comes to dating. Although I was never interested in casual relationships, I also have a certain anxiety about being subsumed or somehow swallowed in love. I know that I feel really intensely, which I mostly enjoy: it feels good to be enveloped by compassion or by happiness; even sometimes by anger. But the idea of being completely blindsided by my feelings for another person – who might or might not feel as intensely about me, but probably not – is really scary to me.
My solution, and in retrospect it was a terrible one, was to only date people if I could already tell that I didn’t fully trust them. The logic being that I wouldn’t entirely let my guard down, and would still have some armor up to keep myself “safe.” This backfired spectacularly, as I formed a pattern of dating men I was unsure about who were not interested in committing to anyone, although of course the globality of that fact didn’t keep me from internalizing the issue and making it my own fault. Then eventually I’d break things off after some example of progressively worse treatment or another. For better or for worse, many of them were just decent enough to say something along the lines of “Sorry, but you just need someone who thinks you’re truly special… and that’s not me” on their way out by way of apology.
So I’ve had an experience of feeling like on some level I need too much emotionally, and am never going to be able to have my needs met so I need to share less and less, and settle for an ever more limited series of options so I don’t get let down. But the ensuing hardness/toughness is leading to a total shutdown where I don’t trust anyone romantically at all; I assume that the flaw is intrinsically my own and once someone sees it, they’ll hurt me and then leave.
I know this is in direct contrast to the nature of who I am, but I’ve been heading in this direction for so long that I’m not sure how to turn it around. I was/am a very late bloomer: my first kiss was at 20 and my longest relationship to date has been a whopping two months. That was five years ago (!) I tend to date older men and as my timetable is a bit slower than average, I’ve always felt a lot of pressure to be physically intimate sooner than I was ready for which led to a lot of anxiety and limited enjoyment/exploration.
Now compounding that is the fact that I’m at an age where people are starting to ask me when I’ll settle down (and, more to the point, that potential partners in their mid to late thirties are usually wanting to head for that themselves), and meanwhile I feel like I have the emotional and physical experience of your average high school sophomore. Not a good combination; I hate feeling immature, inexperienced and clueless – especially because intimacy and being able to make my partner happy and be close to someone are things I would dearly love to be good at. But unlike the rest of life: career, hobbies, spirituality etc, it doesn’t appear to be something where I can either intuit or persevere my way to a greater understanding.
I’m now at the point where I’m not so scared of losing myself in a relationship; I have a better sense of who I am and am able to stand up for myself even if it means conflict or discomfort, although I can’t endure it for sustained periods. But the issue is that in romance with all my negative experiences, I’m painfully awkward and shy. If I’m really interested in someone, I can’t even make eye contact.
Last winter I met an incredible guy at a party: quiet but warm, funny, kind, and I just got this immediate resonance with him. But I also realized after the fact that I was giving off all the wrong signals: I had physically angled my body away from him, only made eye contact a handful of times once I realized how interested I was, and started talking a mile a minute. It was borderline panic attack behavior, to the extent that I forgot his name at the end of the evening because I’d completely stopped processing.
(Needless to say, I never saw him again – and instead in the spring got involved with someone I knew I couldn’t trust by the middle of the second date. This time, however, I at least recognized that I was acting against my own interest, acknowledged internally that I just didn’t trust him because of his cavalier way of treating people and especially animals, and broke things off a bit sooner than I otherwise might have.)
In friendships, family relations, with massage clients, and even with the average person who’s ringing me up at the grocery store or a coffee shop, I am warm, friendly, caring, focused, and sincere.
I want people to feel safe with me, and know that they have space to be their most genuine selves. When I’m most in tune with myself, I offer people my best no matter who they are, and can receive and delight in their best in return. But in love I think I’ve been so battered that I seem to have lost my way in opening that part of myself up if there’s any possibility that the connection will be more than platonic.
Even if I like someone and want them to continue trying to get to know me, I almost habitually test them to see if they’re actually interested in me or just how I look. (I’m a beautiful girl, or at least objectively based on what people tell me. But to me, beauty is feeling graceful and comfortable and confident in your skin – so by that measure I’m pretty un-easy on the eyes!) My inability to engage in “light” banter and conversation usually ends in the guy, if he’s nice, thinking I’m not interested and leaving me alone. Alternately, the pushy ones stick around but tend to be both physically and emotionally unsatisfying.
It was so inspiring to read stories on the thread of people with this personality type who have managed to understand themselves in the dating arena and form lasting, loving and healthy partnerships. This is the longest, most roundabout question ever, but I would just really love to know if any INFJs have had similar experiences and overcome them.
I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll end up alone with my cats – whom I adore, but still! – and any thoughts or suggestions on how to avoid that would be so incredible. My friends, family, and therapists have tried to help me with this but I don’t actually know any other INFJs I can ask. Not sure if anyone is even still reading this thread, but if you are I’d be hugely grateful for any guidance you could offer.
(I’m particularly interested in Momo’s suggestion to find someone as strong or stronger than I am. There are ways in which I agree: especially in terms of moral convictions, none of the men I’ve chosen have been particularly committed to their own ideals and maybe that was why I couldn’t trust them. However, if someone is really strong/powerful, isn’t there more of a danger that they won’t be sensitive not to go clomping all over various parts of my heart and psyche? How do you recognize the sort of strength that is tender as well? I get that this is a big question, probably way larger than the scope of a personality type board, but would still love any thoughts you guys might have.)
first of all, EVERYTHING you wrote, EVERYTHING…i have experienced in one way or another. i knew i was an introvert at an early, formative age…but confirmed it with the myers-briggs test my senior yr in high school.
right now im at a cross-roads in my career…ive done retail for the past few yrs and now im ready to go into a field that complements my skills and strengths, which are writing and liberal arts. suffice it to say, reading your experience with your career definitely was enlightening and provided me another avenue to check out.
your love life experience has MIRRORED mine. as an infj, i keep in the back of my mind that we are represented by 1% of the worlds population as a personality type. and as such…we fight an uphill battle from the beginning! i try very hard to “flip” that and to take a positive approach to dating, but im neither frivolous nor fickle with relationships, which is why i grew tired of dating and dealing with people who couldn’t share my outlook.
i recently just “got out” of an almost 2 yr “relationship” with someone who more than likely was an esfp…in reality, i knew it wasn’t going to work but i ignored the warning signs because i unfortunately clung to her in ways i didn’t realize until it was too late. and it didn’t help that during this “relationship” i endured 3 major emotional hits.
to attempt to answer your question…i would suggest that “strength” need be defined more along the lines of how they communicate, accept and deflect acceptance, warmth, and determining what their moral standards are. like yourself and generally most others who are posting on here, i don’t trust but a handful. so, yes, it makes the task very difficult. but, we are 1%, aren’t we? so, there is a reason why our path is more arduous.
your post was refreshing, and honestly, much needed. thank you so much. and here’s hoping you see my response!
I really appreciate what you wrote. Your experience with relationships sounds EXACTLY like mine. I tend to date men that I don’t fully trust so that I can keep my guard up. Because of this, I feel very cut off and alone, even when I am in the relationship, and feel pressured for intimacy. But I suppose I do this to myself in an effort to “blend in”. I’m a 24 year old female and most of my friends are already in solid relationships while my longest lasting relationship was only 3 months. It definitely makes me feel like an outsider, but I am trying to understand my true worth and not place it on other people. People will disappoint you, no matter what if you don’t have your own solid foundation.
Thank you so much for your post. Honestly, it made me tear up to read it, because I had felt very alone in my way of thinking. But reading through this and the comments here, I feel much better and I am beginning to see my worth.
The best things are worth waiting for and working towards. We are a rare type and have a lot of untapped potential. Our biggest obstacle, I believe, is ourselves.
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Hi guys, I’m an INFJ too (24yo, female)! I found this page a while ago but never posted any comments due to problems in sharing intimate details about myself, lol. I take a long time to open up and I usually wouldn’t share this, but all your comments have helped me so much over the past few months that I’ve decided to share a little bit about myself and my story… in hope someone will be able to gain something from my thoughts as I have yours. I recently finished my studies in business and arts and I have a perpetual existential crisis when it comes to deciding what career to choose. I majored in accounting, behavioural studies (psychology) and minored in sociology. For most of my life, I aspired to be a corporate woman, but after 5 years of studying at university I am starting to let go of that idea and learn to accept that a corporate career does not suit my personality; that I’d be unhappy working in a corporate job. Can I just say, letting go of an ideal I’ve held onto since childhood wasn’t an easy feat! Some of my family and friends were/are still exasperated and perplexed by my strong convictions against pursuing a corporate job. They don’t understand how I could decide that a corporate career isn’t for me if I haven’t even tried working in a corporate environment. Well, I’ve been exposed to business environments in my studies, observed my peers suffer from the immoral self-esteem sucking machine that is a corporate job, and simply decided that it’s not for me. I just felt that it went against my character, and after finding out that my personality type was INFJ, I now understand why I felt that way. I started university studying a business degree but later transferred into a double degree which combined my business studies with psychology, social sciences and academic writing. Thinking back, I’ve always felt unhappy, uninspired and unexcited when I thought about where business could take me. I always thought I had no choice but to follow a corporate a career – and for five years this thought depressed me. Right now I’m on my path to becoming a social worker – a profession that I feel would combine my passion for helping others with elements of counselling and advocacy work for undeserved communities. I feel that it’s a profession aligned with my personal values and I will feel happy in. Hoping that I’ll excel in this profession with my INFJ qualities too!
True to INFJ qualities, I want to do grand things. I also wanted to be a nurse in highschool. It’s a profession I always thought I could develop skills I can take with me anywhere in the world where I am needed. Reality is, I can’t do everything, so I’ve accepted compromise. I am currently enrolled in a pathology course that will allow me to work in a healthcare environment (if I am able to find a position). While I realise that these professions attract poor pay, high stress, and possibly no social life, they just feel right for me! How strange! If you’re a young INFJ and thinking about/making career decisions, my personal advice to you is to trust your instincts and intuition. Think about what feels right for you and don’t let the opinions of others influence your decision making. This is your life. You are the one living it and you already know what’s best for you, so don’t be afraid to follow your dreams!!! Sorry for the rant and horrible grammar – it’s just all written in the moment as this is very relevant for me now. I should probably also add a disclaimer: Although I sound really enthused and happy writing this, which I am, I am an INFJ and cause my own suffering with the depth of my thoughts lol… but knowing I have access to a wonderful INFJ community online and getting to read/share experiences I can relate to has made all the difference! We’re not alone INFJs! Thank you all for sharing a little about yourself
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I’m a 40 year old INFJ. My experiences and insight are extensive; they typically go beyond others. I can tell you many things, good and bad, about yourselves that may help you as you grow older into your personality type. First, fear not. You are not weird or strange. This is what they tell you because they have not met someone like you. You are unique and there are very few people like you. More times than once I have had people tell me they have never met someone like me. More times than once I brought a room to a standstill with my perception and wisdom. For that is what your insight really is. It is a mechanism that you will use to gain excessive wisdom as time goes by.
Second, don’t be afraid to call the shots as you see them. You are almost always right. Your gut instinct and your intuition are strong. You have the ability to see things others can’t. If most people can see 2 steps into the future you can see 5. You know what people will say or do before they say or do it. You sense others’ emotions and immediately know what they think. Use this to stay ahead of others. Use this to know when you are being conned.
Third, let your values rule you, don’t try to conquer or change them. It will cause you distress. They will also guide you to the place you need to be if you can control your romantic side. Most people adopt the value system of the society they live in. You, however, are born with an internal value system that responds to your situation. It is why you can easily break laws and have no guilt, but suffer extreme guilt when you betray your value system. However, be wary of your romantic side. Your idealism can make you stray from reality and this can lead you to make decisions that are not rational. Understand this is not a perfect world and you will not change that.
Fourth, become a teacher or a psychologist or a career not at a desk where you can help others. You love helping people. Your compassion and empathy results from your ability to know what people think and go through. You have the uncanny ability to switch places with anyone and feel their suffering. In turn, you become angered when the meek, kind, and honest are defeated. This will cause you to go war, when most of the time your strong negotiating skills bring peace. Learn to control this side. Use your spiritual side to balance the rage and know that these suffering people are just fulfilling their karma. But still help them.
You will find failure and no satisfaction in a corporate career. Status means little to you, it is your value system you need. Your keen perception tells you that status stems from the insecurity people have about themselves and how they need to prove themselves to others. As such, you rid yourself of this foolish desire for status and because you answer to no one but your value system. You want the experience, the truth, the realism. What others think of you starts to mean little as you grow older.
Fifth, when dating, try to find someone as strong as or stronger than you. Someone extroverted who can ease you in to a situation, but someone you can trust. Someone who also has the ability to make money. This is important to you although you may not know it yet. You are attracted to this not for materialistic concerns but because it shows they can stand on their own two feet and are strong people. In addition, they will be able to counter your strong personality and bring harmony, which is what brings you pleasure. You will back down to them in an admiringly way. For men, you are likely to be impressed by a female executive, a college professor, someone that helps the down trodden in her spare time. One who can engage in deep conversation because your knowledge on issues is vast.
Few people understand the power of your mind, insight, compassion, and loyalty. Women will be impressed by your emotionality when they get through to you. They will enjoy how you avoid machismo for deeper conversation and they will be delighted to experience the full range of emotions you can provide. Likely, you will talk to your significant other about the beauty of Paris as the men in the next room rally behind the local football game. They will be stunned at your sincerity and honesty. And it takes time for them to get inside you. When they do, and you let them in, these people are guarded for life. They will have access to some of the deepest and most stimulating conversations of their lives, climaxing in love-making. The void of their own insecurity will be filled with you and your ability to understand them. And make sure to let them in. Don’t block for too long, this will drive them away. To do this say what you are thinking. You have the ability to disappear in thought. Bring that thought o the front and speak it.
Lastly, in terms of spirituality, you probably know by now organized religion does little for you. But deep down you sense there is something else going on. Pursue this. Don’t fear this; your intuition will protect you from con men and hacks. But you will be surprised to know that you do in fact have a spiritual side. Just build your own path.
This is probably the most brilliant reply on the board, and that’s saying something. To younger INFJs: Mono’s post is chock full of common sense and wisdom; one would be very wise to absorb and heed every word of it.
I agree. Excellent comment. Thank you so much!
I think I just realised who I’ve been for the last 20 years…
Wow, you made me cry! Very inspirational indeed!
Hi, I’m a 16-year-old girl from the Netherlands. I know I am an INFJ and I find it hard, because I don’t know how people will react to me in the future. I am also doubting weather I make the right decision by studing law. You have already helped me a lot by your advice, but do you have any more tips on what sort of profession is suitable for an INFJ? thank you
Stop worrying about how people will react to you. In my experience many people react fine to INFJs, it’s just as they get to know us they realize we have different qualities than most everybody. In other words, nobody is going to look at you and think you are different. Truthfully, that’s your ability. Your intuition and perception allows you to read peoples’ minds, in essence. People betray all the time what they are thinking with body movements, reactions, and language and you see it immediately.
If you truly are an INFJ, and you should take the test first, than law is not something you’ll like. Law is good for extroverts. You will be able to do it, particularly if you are not the type that gets in front of a court and defends, but you won’t get much satisfaction out of it. Remember, you are not driven by material wealth, money, and status. It is important to you, but not the driving factor—only important in that it fulfills your basic needs, which are food, shelter, clothing, an income, and healthcare. Quality of life is the driving factor as is living to your values. Law will give you money, materials, and status but the long hours and the boredom (it will be boring to you) will make you unhappy. You will ask yourself why you are doing it all if it doesn’t bring you any quality of life. Therein lays the contradiction. In addition, the set hours at a desk will drive you mad.
Teaching, psychology, counseling, medical doctors, writing, academia, design, librarian, these are careers for you. Even marketing if you can balance the corporate world. However, because the corporate world is so fake and full of lies, your values will always be challenged and this will make you unstable.
Another thing for INFJs to consider is where they live. We like harmony and that includes harmony in our built environment. Places like suburbia, LA, these places bother us because they are disconnected and lack harmony. We like places that are pedestrian-friendly and are not car-dependent, have easy access to amenities like nature, coffee shops and funky shops, gathering places (not malls), good restaurants, neighborhood bars, and have clean and efficient mass transit. Remember, a house will not bring you quality of life a community will. Many INFJs buy the big home in suburbia because they are still in conflict with the status issue. Had they bought a home half the size closer to the city, where they can walk around and interact with their community, they would be much happier.
No offense, I thought your first post was pretty spot-on, but who’s to say she won’t get satisfaction from a career in law, or a house out in the country that is totally car-dependent? Sure quality of life is going to matter, but you can’t lump us all together as having the same personal preferences. I used to want to live in the city…but a big hell no now. I want community, but on a smaller scale. You city folk can keep your concrete and condos, I’ll stick to my fire pit, garden, and woods.
The post below is based on my own perceptions and psychological evaluation. In response to Sensory Mechanisms who posted after the below response, it’s true you can’t lump everyone together but you can draw patterns. I have worked in law and the corporate world and my experiences reflect everything I was told by the psychologist who tested my personality type. She may enjoy law; but all evidence says not likely. There is no one perfect person to describe every person who is INFJ, but patterns are pretty clear. Her best bet is to see a trained professional and discuss options. Or try law for a summer.
As far as your conflict with the city and country, I was not clear enough in my description. I said closer to the city and by that I meant a small town, or the country, or an area of a city that has easy access to nature and other of the amenities I listed. Although it is true, small towns are not wedged between cities and suburbia, so this is misleading. I suspect that your love of the country is a result of your love for harmony. I myself cannot stand the concrete jungle, but tend to enjoy some community that is surrounded by nature. Ideally, I look for a place surrounded by nature with the ability to walk to community. Being car dependent in the country has a different impact on the mind than in the city. Less stress, more harmony.
Momo, fair enough. I think I was just in the mood to argue.
There are all different kinds of law! I’m an INFJ and I thought about law school. I work at a nonprofit advocating for workers rights, and we need more lawyers in the world focused on values! Don’t be dissuaded. I feel at ease working with our lawyers. There’s a very concrete set of rules in front of you with law, but it takes a creative mind to develop strategies for campaigns and offer advice and defense for those who are fighting for causes on the edge of what is legal.
Incredible. First time in my life I feel so illuminated about myself. I’m always questioning, always seeking… it’s wonderful to find some answers for a change. Thank you.
Well said Momo; I am 43 and you are spot on. The corporate world will never satisfy, and we look onto OURSELVES for acceptance caring little (as we get older) what anyone thinks about us.
Momo, your summary blew me away. I’m a 51 yo male, discovered I was INFJ about 10 years ago. Cannot begin to tell you how amazed and relieved to know I was not ‘alone’. You all have my total respect.
Thank you so much for your insights, Momo. I find it very comforting to see a group of people who have similar thinking pattern as mine. I am happy to find this place.
Can you (or anyone else here) give me some pointers? I am a bit lost right now. A little background, I’m 27 years old female from Canada. Graduate with a math degree from an elite university. Decide not to be a teacher/lecturer (being in the center of attention drain me too quickly). After graduation, I switched direction. I studied business, and became a certified management accountant. Being in an accounting firm is bearable, although depleting. I feel I still have the energy to do something completely different, but my goal right now is just to expand my social life. I find it very hard to accept people into my life. I unconsciously isolated myself from people. I can easily see through people’s intention. When I see lying or ill intention, I can’t let myself be friends with them (although observing them can be fun). I don’t care what others think, but I still need some meaningful person to person interaction. Finding a good friend is hard, and finding a man who has the patience to get to know me is extremely difficult. My physical attributes is above average, but I am very awkward in person. I am horrible at small talk and bullshiting, and I enjoy silence too much. That can make me boring. If someone describe me on paper, I am great. In person, conversations don’t last long. At your age, I hope you have found your small group of very good friends. Can you give me advice to do the same? Thanks again.
Momo, This post was the most concise and brilliant I believe I have ever read. I currently have an alternative career while I am exploring the coinnections between what I have discovered are my core values and how strongly they are aligned with the teachings of Christ. Not organized religion, as I have found this to be based on peoples need to adjust their what they interpret in the Bible in a way that serves there self-serving views. I have been asking people why not interpret Christ exaactly as he communicated his ideas. Wouldn’tthis be believing in him in a far more respectful and practical sense than just believing in his existence. I have found myself in recent years, rereading Christ’s teachings and becoming increasingly distressed at the way humanity is rushing headlong in the opposite direction. I am sure I am not the only one who has seen how incredibly narcissistic we as a society are becoming. Even to the point that kindness and self sacrifice are ridiculed and distrusted and treated with scepticism and suspicion. I am not encouraged by the way that the values of todays society are headed at an exponetial rate. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.
Incredibly insightful, inspirational and wise. Thank you x
Thank you for your post Momo. As a fellow INFJ this brings plenty of clarity. I’m a 22 year old male INFJ, and yet I feel like I’m at the cusp of betraying myself and surrendering to the darker side of my personality. I used to want to change the world and bring about harmony, and now I want nothing more than to burn this world and it’s lies completely to the ground.
I’ve come to this place MANY times in my short life, and right now there is nothing left for me to stand on. I’ve decimated my own internal value system, severed nearly all my friendships, denied every chance at love, and driven away any sense of hope.
Will someone please help me?? I don’t understand anything anymore and this void is sucking me in. All of you are INFJ’s, therefore I KNOW I’m not alone, but I want to know how you (anyone of you) got out of this place?!
Sincerely, a worn out, beaten down, heartbroken INFJ
Cade, you’re not ALONE!!!
Hey Cade,
I’m 22 and an male INFJ.
We should talk. Email me at canonempire@gmail.com if you’d like.
Wow, I can’t believe the timing of finding this post!! Momo, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. Can you recommend any additional INFJ sites/links?
Thank you so much for your post. Reading through this was very encouraging. I often feel like an outsider, even when I am in a relationship because I often feel like my partner won’t match me and how I think. I really appreciate your description about finding a partner with strength. I am still learning to trust my intuition on that.
Again, your post really helps me to understand a bit more about where I am going and how I can get there.
Momo, is there any way that I can reach you? I would love to talk to you about something. My email is canonempire@gmail.com
As an INFJ, this post hits home. I have been with my husband for 12 years, and I know it is not easy for him to be in relationship with me
He is a very strong, patient man, God bless him…
One thing that particularly hits home for me is how past relationships have been “dropped like a hot pan”. INFJ’s will give their friends and romantic partners plenty of chances, but once we have decided that your values and/or treatment of us does not fit into our ideal of what the relationship should be, then sayonara. I think back to past friendships and relationships that have ended suddenly. It seems cold of me to end them completely, but as an INFJ, we see no need to carry on a relationship with someone who has failed us or has been deemed untrustworthy. We put a lot of stock into other people’s intentions. If your intentions are not good, we can easily see that, and have no qualms about moving on from the relationship.
Just a question for other INFJ’s out there: Are you totally and completely disenchanted with today’s politics? I haven’t been able to bring myself to vote in major elections for several years because I feel I am constantly being deceived and manipulated by the political parties and the media. I feel most high-ranking politicians had to make compromises and step on the “little-people” to get to where they are today, and therefore do not trust them. I have less issue with local government… since I believe these people to be more honest. Am I the only one? Please advise.
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Woow. Dead on. This post describes me to e T. …. I have always known, that there is smth very diff. about me. Smh, that I can’t describe, through words so much….. I guess, I have always been this way ever since, I can remember… I can’t seem to create deep connections w/people. N often, I tend to become disinterested in ppl, for as, the more I get to know them, the more, I come to see their flaws n imperfections, which r a big turn off to me…. As far as trusting people, I have a extremely hard time trusting someone completely . I always, prepare myself, and get ready for disappointments, for as I know that sooner or later ppl will disappoint me. Hence, I always keep my guard up, @ all times…I am extremely sincere, although, it takes time for me to open up to ppl… All I tell ppl, (meaning, those that I am interested in getting to know,) to give me some time, and they will not be disappointed that they did. Also, I am one of those ppl., that once u get to know, u will never forget… I am beyond perfectionist. Most of the time, ppl feel intimidated by me, for not only I have a strong presence, but also a strong personality. One more thing, I always prepare ppl b4 hand, don’t ever betray my trust, for as I don’t ever give second chances. I am extremely loyal to others. I have gone so far, as to throw away my life, just on the name of love, and friendship. I have gone through a situation, that no one would ever understand, which is mind blowing. It impacted my life in such a way, that words will never do justice to describe. Long story short, I hit rock bottom. But I quickly bounced back…. Now I am stronger than I have ever been. As for those who thought, my life was over, ha ha…. I have never been able to maintain long lasting friendships. & I have never found, nor do I ever think I will find a friend that is like me, loyal, strong willed, 100% real. I am a very selfless person, & always put other ppl’s needs, b4 mines (big mistake..) Anyways, I don’t plan to change who I am,, You either appreciate me, or watch me as I go. And I never turn my head back. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, whether it being good or bad….. I am very sweet, and caring, often times gullible, but that doesn’t mean, I can be taken advantage of… Should someone push my buttons, they are dead meat. I can say things that will profoundly cut them to the core. I am able to read ppl very easily, and truly know wut to say, to blow their minds away… Anyways, excuse my rumbling…. A lot of u peeps sound just like me. Btw. I m in my mid 20′s…
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I found this post so accurately described who I am. I’m an introvert who don’t like to mingle with large groups of people but at the same time try my best to fit in with everyone which sometimes make people mistake me for who I really am.
I have always have this ability to “read” people and to immediately “feel” if I like this certain person and if I should allow them to be in my inner circle(s). Also I have always enjoyed listening to others’ problems and trying to help them resolving their issues (but whenever I get my own issues, I always have to turn to people who I trust to share my feelings. Luckily my parents have always been very supportive, and I have a few friends who I can share). At the same time, always have the feeling that people only have a very shallow understanding of me, sometimes they just see my outer layers and take me for that.
I have also found myself to be very controlling as well. I have always found little tiny things that I want people, especially my girlfriend at the time to change for her own good. I have also felt myself very uncomfortable if I feel the relationship not in a safe and trusting mode. In love I just cannot find myself doing casual dating no matter how hard I tried. I’m too serious for the not-so-serious relationships. I constantly find myself in a world of fantasies and dreams even when I’m at my 30s already and this applies to the relationships I have been as well: I have always dreamed about the future of us together with that person and sometimes get complained for thinking too much.
In any case, what I have come to a conclusion is that: If I want to be really happy and to live in harmony with others I need to change myself. I know many people will just say that “hey why should I change myself”? But if changing yourself a bit will make YOU happy and others happy as well, then why not?
I have been keeping a notebook to keep track of what I did in a day, and list the good and bad things I did.
1. Controlling: I’m trying to hold off my tendency to tell people what they should do. Always listen, speak only when asked.
2. I’m an entrepreneur, but I don’t like to mingle with people much, big issue right? So I’m trying much to find ways to go around this. For example I use my preference to listen to other people issues/thoughts to motivate myself to speak to people
3. I try to live for the moment as much as I can, try not thinking too much about the future which is unpredictable.
4. Too emo: I try to use my head much more to control my feelings. I have found that sometimes it’s good to write down everything I feel so that I can get the feelings out of me, but then I will not send out anything immediately. I will wait for a few days, weeks and re-read what I wrote. Many times I found what I wrote at the time ridiculous and decided to scrap it all
5. the insecurity feeling: I have been trying to fight this one, I haven’t been really successful yet though.
Me too! When I talk to people I immediately feel or know if this person and I can be friends.
I’m a guy. 43 years old. Most of my life I have struggled to figure out who I was; why I felt different; why I don’t feel like I fit in. Why I sense things that other people say I’m just imagining. Why I cry for all kinds of things. Why I have an affinity for animals; especially cats and fish. Things that don’t go together! Why no one wants to go out with me; or thinks I’m weird. I’m told I’m too nice. I thought that was a benefit but apparently not. I have not found anyone for 10 years that I have enjoyed being with for a relationship but I am happy to report that that has changed. i Now have someone who I can communicate very well with and I am having a blast just talking. They accept me and everything is alright! I wonder what personality they are? No idea. But it works! I am depressed alot like other people here. I am right handed not left, but my descriptions fit perfect for INFJ. In fact the first time I read it I cried because I finally understood why I was the way I was and more importantly that I was not alone; and that I had special qualities to offer; not just being thought of as weird. I am wishing all you guys the best!
I realized in reading the comments on here that this post has been out and available on the Internet for a long time. I guess I’m late to the party! I’d like to say, however, that this is an absolutely fantastic guide for dealing with INFJ people.
As an INFJ, I identify well with both the issues raised in the guide and the stories others have told about feeling alienated, weird, misunderstood, etc. Unlike many of the people who have posted already, I did date in high school, but the relationships were always of short duration. In short order, whoever I was dating inevitably did something that was a ‘deal breaker’ for me, and I’d end things. Despite that, however, I married young – incredibly so for an INFJ – at 19. We have since divorced, but it took years longer than it should have for me to reach the conclusion that divorce was the only solution to what had become an intolerable situation (INFJ idealism caused me to waste years thinking things might somehow magically get better, despite knowing rationally that they wouldn’t).
I’d like to share a couple of insights with other readers here. First, to the INFJs: Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re too sensitive, you’re overreacting, or you don’t have the right to feel the way you do about a given situation. Don’t let anyone try to force you into their mold of ‘ideal’ person. Most of all, don’t let anyone turn around and take a legitimate concern you express about his or her behavior and try to make you feel as though you are the one exhibiting that fault, not the person with whom you’re speaking. We INFJs seem to be very susceptible to the opinions, good and bad, of those around us, which makes us very vulnerable to these kinds of tactics.
To anyone reading this who is involved with an INFJ in any way, or is considering becoming involved with one, be patient with us. We want to open up to you, really, we do. It is not in our nature to do so quickly or easily, though. Give us time to reach the point of comfort that allows us to open the door and show you into our deeper selves. You won’t regret it.
I think I am an ESTP, or an ESTJ, …And I am completely in love with an INFJ woman who lives 2000 miles away and is the woman I fell in love with in college. It is very hard to be in sync with her. But I still love her very much.
I am so glad I FOUND this. It explains so much about me and who I am and why I am who I am. It brought me to tears. I keep wondering why when I meet someone I have these standards and values that I try to lower sometimes but I just can’t. I feel as if so many people don’t understand me and sometimes it frustrates me. I can’t help it I’m quiet…I talk to who I want to talk to when I feel like I have something to say. There are a lot of people who meet me and are just amazed as they have never meet anyone quite like me before and want to be around me because I’m so different and interesting to them. I appreciate some people wanting to get to know but they get upset when I won’t open up. I probably know everyone’s life story around me and I can’t name too many that know mine. I feel as if sometimes I know when something as wrong with someone and I have these psychic-like feelings or these “vibes” I get from certain people. I read people like a book from just a couple of exchanged words and I have these dreams that often are like visions or answers to my questions. I feel like I’m different from so many people around me and I look at life so differently and I wonder is there anyone other there for me to marry or possibly more friends that I could talk to and relate too because sometimes I feel so so lonely and other times I feel like I was born to do something so great and tremendous that I can’t stop thinking about what the future holds. Anyways this has been great. Glad to know there are others feeling the same. It would be great to expand and conversate to know how you deal from time to time of different situations.
Completely agree-I recently delved into the world of personality types and on identifying that I was INFJ I felt for the first time completely understood. I’ve never quite felt like a ‘fit in’ with the crowd but reading these blogs has brought me a great deal of solace.
So happy to have found this post! Like many of you here, I’m an INFJ and I feel like this explains me and my relationships SO ACCURATELY. (Now I need to send this to well-meaning family and friends who are constantly wondering why I’m perpetually single). Like a lot of you, I sometimes felt like there was something wrong with me (I’ve even been told that my way of dealing with people and issues is “unhealthy”–again by well-meaning family). Glad to know I’m not alone, and that there’s nothing wrong with being the way I am. While I’d like to learn to be more open and trusting, it’s nice feeling like this isn’t something I need to “fix”, which is how I’ve felt sometimes in the past.
I’ve been on this sight a couple of times over the past month trying to understand the INFJ guy I’ve been dating for over a year. It seems the more I try to understand him it’s almost as if it’s making things more complicated. He knows I’m trying to understand him more and actually told me he appreciated me doing so. I’m an ESFJ and we don’t always see eye to eye on things, but that’s ok… it wouldn’t be normal if we did agree on everything. At times, I pretty much have to give in to whatever he says to keep peace…without irritating him…Basically giving him his way not to have any kind of conflict. I hate conflict, so I just say ok… If I try to defend what I believe in it has only lead to a disagreement because he feels he is always right. I know he is right about a lot of things, but there is no way a person can be completely right all the time. There are times he doesn’t want to compromise on things when I’m trying to do so. On things we need to meet in the middle, I’m willing, but at times he isn’t… I don’t know what to do…???
If my words aren’t exactly the way he wants them to be he gets irritated and accuses me of complaining, criticism, etc… AND that is the fartherest from the truth…. He asked a question and I answer, but not the way he wanted me to… I get into trouble.
I’m not sure if INFJ’s go there periods of time when they pretty much chew you up and spit you out per say more than other times, but tonight via phone he didn’t like something I said and went on a tangent and blessed me out. I actually told him I didn’t want to argue/disagee and didn’t deserve for him to continue chewing me out. His words were…”you deserve it”. I was at a loss for words at this point. I couldn’t understand where the defensiveness and hatefulness came from. All because I said one thing and he took it another way…in a negative way and I got chewed up. I even went as far as apologizing more than once for saying what upset him and told him it wasn’t meant to upset and bring any harm, disrespect. Got off the phone and within 10min he’s texting me trying to have small talk and I’m just puzzled as to what was going on with him. I felt he owed me an apology, but never received and don’t know if I’ll ever get it….All I can do is hope and pray.
At times, I feel he takes me for granted and doesn’t work at our relationship as much as he once did… I think he basically gets lazy at times with our relationship and doesn’t put forth as much effort has I do. Help anyone… I’m trying to understand…. I will appreciate any response/advice I can receive!!!
I am having a bit of a similar issue, except that I am the INFJ and the woman I am interested in is an ISFJ. She has taken some of the things I have said in the wrong way — in the worst possible way and sometimes she has gotten upset pretty quickly. I am hoping and praying that it is simply the stressful times she is going through and that matters will improve in the future. I am hoping and praying that she and I have a future. Good luck. Hang in there. Perhaps see if you can have a neutral conversation with him and let him know how you feel. Literally say, “this is how I feel.” Make it clear that you are not attacking him, and expect the same from him. You have the right to be treated with respect, dignity and equality.
I don’t really know how to help you here because usually INFJ’s are a lot like you in that we hate conflict and try to make peace and be understanding. What you are dealing with does not sound like a problem with his personality but something else. Maybe he’s under a lot of stress or something of the sort and holds it in, causing him to lash it out on those he is closest to, I don’t know. Honestly, he kind of sounds more like my ISFJ mother than me an INFJ but I don’t know enough about the types to really say. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help, I wish you the best.
As a woman who identifies as INFJ, I’m a little puzzled by your situation, but hope that I can help! Speaking from personal experience and observation, we INFJs really do detest any sort of conflict. Which I’m sure proves to be fairly frustrating, considering you mentioned that you also do not like conflict. That being said, he could simply just be trying to avoid the issue or acknowledge that there is actually a problem he needs to address. I don’t want to make any assumptions about all INFJs, but personally I/we (sorry, I tend to speak as “we”) can often exhibit a dual personality. It is difficult enough for us to sort out our own thoughts and feelings for ourselves that it becomes even miles more difficult when we are asked to bring those thoughts and emotions to the surface and explain them to you. Of course once we invite you into our hearts, we are more than happy to show you who we really are. BUT keep in mind that this next stage brings upon a whole new set of problems for us. A part of us is excited by the thought that someone is willing to take the time and energy to really understand us, to let us fully express ourselves to you. While another part is terrified by the thought of being rejected after exposing our hearts to you. Now add the onslaught of stress and anxiety that arises once we realize how difficult it is to properly express ourselves in a way that makes sense to you. This is why we, or I (again, don’t want to make any assumptions) tend to fall over our own words close up entirely. We have to work out our thoughts and emotions out in our heads, think of a logical way to explain them, and THEN finally verbalize them to you. Quite a process, isn’t it? Now, as for him not being able to get over the thought that he’s “always right”…The only thing that really comes to mind is that INFJs rely heavily on the internal compass for guidance. We trust that following our own set of values, inner-workings, or any other “gut feelings” will guide us to where we need to be. As a result of that, we often believe our intuition wholeheartedly (which can often be true, but not ALWAYS of course =) ). But this is not always the best approach (i.e. “well, it’s SO blatantly obvious to me. Why the hell can’t you understand where I’m coming from/that I’m right?”) And, stay with me me, this is where things get really interesting…If you combine the idea that we are desperate to open up to you with the fact that we are having a difficult time as to how to go about that with the fact that we are already experiencing a constant tug-of-war of emotions within ourreselves with the fact we can’t get over you not understanding our own infallible truth (gut-feeling/intuition)…Well, let’s just say that at that point we’re just about ready to explode. So, in order to avoid any further possible conflict, we immediately cut you off, shut down, and disappear on our own to allow ourselves time to rest/recharge, and process everything that’s going on upstairs.
Sorry that this has gone on for so long (you know INFJs and writing…it really is easier for us to express ourselves this way) Anyway, all I can really say is that the more I become aware of my type and what that means as to how I function as a person, the more I realize just how complex INFJs really are. There are a gambit of thoughts and emotions going on up there. You just have to have enough time and patience to muscle through it. Approach things on neutral ground and make it absolutely clear that no judgement will be passed, just understanding. Hope this helps, and don’t hesitate to ask questions!
This is sooooo true. The whole process of wanting to be understood and the inability to express ourselves. Our thoughts and emotions are so complex, abstract and sometimes keep developing and changing. I feel that what I say could hardly represent my true feelings. In some ways, it is not only inaccurate but also too narrow (since we are open to lots of possibilities and linking so many things). So if I don’t express myself, people won’t understand. If I do, people may still misunderstand me. I have only met one person who could listen to me talking about my feelings for hours and not think that I am crazy. (She is prob an Ni as well). I almost never really expose my true feelings and got a lot of complains for it. The conflict avoidance also play a role in it. I am so neurotic and get hurt easily but I never ever really express these negative feelings either to keep harmony or not to appear hysteric……………..I also feel like I could only switch on and off between infinite tolerance/ love to cutting off/ no interest. Because I am somehow different from other people, I always think it’s my fault that things get into trouble. I also tend to be skeptical about my intuition when it comes to relationships. (it works perfectly well and makes wonderful sense in my inner world. How come it becomes “makes no sense”/ “unhealthy” in reality?). I tend to complicate things, thinking too much and somehow “abnormal/irrational”. It’s really frustrating. Another paradox is on one hand I feel I will be happier if I live in more authentic way, on another hand life may be easier and happier if I change myself and fit in……….Maturity and growth at the cost of my unique inner self…..
I think we have some great qualities to offer in the dating world! A drama-free, non-superficial, somewhat quirky person is often a breath of fresh air for people. Fortunately, I am attractive to boot ( : But then again, not sure I would want to date myself…
As a female Sagittarius INFJ, I often feel like a walking contradiction. I can be very outgoing, funny, and laid-back when I feel like it…uptight, closed, and anxious when I don’t. Or am stressed or uncomfortable. I am extremely conscientious, brutally honest, and very responsible…but can also be kind of a flake. I am working on this. I’ve had a number of enjoyable casual romances, with no thought of dating, but I’m definitely over that at this point in life.
My mature, somewhat serious self has set in after a hiatus of frivolity, and I have no idea what to do with it! In dire need of a career/direction to take my life. I have always been interested in the arts, and am somehwhat talented in this area, but unsure if it’s the best plac to focus my energies. I have my Bachelor’s degree in Graphic Design, but decided it really isn’t a field I want to go in to. I don’t really like advertising, I don’t enjoy learning new technology, and it isn’t really hands-on enough for me. I have worked in libraries, grocery, retail, catering, waitressing, and as a security guard at an art museum. I like flexibility, don’t mind long/weird hours. I enjoy interacting with the public. Wouldn’t mind starting a small business… LOVE, I repeat, LOVE to travel. Careers I have considered (the list is truly endless): massage, education/art education, art therapy, counseling, jewelry-making, farming of some sort/beekeeping/mushroom growing, dental hygienist, bartender, culinary arts, museum studies, furniture making, health spa management. I would prefer something(s) that keeps me challenged/with room for growth, that I enjoy, helps people, allows me to be pretty independent, pays a decent wage, and that I don’t have to live in a huge city to pursue.
Ideas/feedback? What do you other INFJ’s do for a living?
You and I sound quite a lot alike. I think we are each going through a Saturn Return/Quarter-life crisis. I’ve considered (and have even worked a couple) of the careers you are considering.
Sadly, I don’t have much advice to give. I will say that bartending is fun, but highly stressful. One thing that stands out for me about that job is something my manager told me during the interview: even if you aren’t or don’t feel like being sociable on a certain day, you need to be able to pretend. It is a job well suited to extroverts, but I did really well once I got the hang of it.
I am very interested in permaculture/beekeeping/organic gardening and orcharding. One of my ultimate goals in life is to buy a piece of land and set up a little self-sustaining farm. Have the ability to retire early.
I don’t know where you are located, but you might want to look into something like the Peace Corps. It would be a great experience, look fantastic on a resume, and help you find some direction.
Thank you for the response! I think something like Peace Corps might be a great idea. Like I said, I love to travel…love adventures, and would like to get more into volunteering. I’d already been thinking about doing some woofing this year, and might have to go that route if I end up getting a dog next month… I’ve done a tiny bit of bartending and enjoyed it. My memory is not-so-hot, so I would need to do a massive study-up on drink recipes to land a steady, lucrative job. And you’re totally right about the being sociable whether you feel like it or not. I need to work on that area a bit. When life & work are busy, I am usually fine…it’s the downtimes that bring me down. And people that talk too much about nothing! Ha
I like your long-term plan. That is pretty in-line with what I have in mind as well, a little farm, doing art in my free time. In the meantime, I need a larger, more steady income and to find something I care about doing…and maybe to find someone I could stand to be around for the rest of my life ( :
I think maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself to figure it out. I’ve never been very decisive…it’s always been more about the options than some sort-of black or white, this or that ultimatum. I do not deal well with ultimatums or people that use them on me, which is one reason I left my last relationship.
Maybe the quarter life crisis is more about coming to terms with life as an ever-evolving process? Accepting continual inner change as well as external, rather than some specific “solution”, which other personality types may have an easier time finding… Gosh, that would be easier though! It’s just so weird…I don’t even feel like I can relate to the person I was 4 to 10 years ago. I think a big part of it might be my ability to pick up the personality traits of the people I associate with. Now I try to hang out with only positive people, or people heading in a direction I would be good with heading. I’ve experienced the results of doing otherwise!
I like your long-term plan. That is pretty in-line with what I have in mind as well, a little farm, doing art in my free time. In the meantime, I need a larger, more steady income and to find something I care about doing…and maybe to find someone I could stand to be around for the rest of my life ( :
I think my advice to the rest of you INFJ’s is to try your best to break out of your shell and have as many experiences as possible…whether you feel comfortable while doing them or not. That has helped me tremendously in the past few years to come to grips with who I am and what I have to offer the world.
Hi!
Thanks for sharing with us. Your thought about being a ‘walking contradiction’ really resonated with me. My friends and acquaintances are always amazed when I tell them I’m an introvert – they all thought I was super extroverted. I studied Business Administration in undergrad and when I took Myers-Briggs that time, I answered the questions from a ‘Business student’ perspective. ‘Of course I love parties and networking events!’ ‘I like facts and details!’ My result – ESTJ, just like most other students. But I never felt comfortable in that kind of setting. People talked about placing a dollar value on someone’s life in our CSR class and I was horrified at the thought. It wasn’t until I went to Korea for a year and spent a lot of time reflecting and thinking that I took the Myers-Briggs test again and got INFJ and so many pieces fell into place. (The other thing that made things fall into place for me was Susan Cain’s book about introversion, Quiet. Highly recommend!) I experience ‘flow’ when someone opens up to me and trusts me as their confidant. I experience ‘flow’ when I read about personality types, happiness, relationships, anything to do with social interaction really.
But to get back to your question. So while a lot of my friends from undergrad are working in consulting, investment banking, accounting, etc, I’ve decided that I should do something that better suits me. I’m applying for grad programs in social work and I think it’s a much better option for me. I’m just afraid I might not be able to handle situations that are too depressing or sad. I cry easily, usually more for others than for myself. Many of the things you listed sound awesome, such as working in a library, or art therapy. I did music therapy at a long term care center once and loved it. My work had so much more meaning than when I did a financial report for another organization. Hopefully you can learn about yourself, understand your values and motivations, and pick a path that isn’t decided by someone else. We’re idealists so it’s hard for us to work for the sake of money or fame. We search for something larger than ourselves and want to do meaningful work, this being a greater driving force than for many other people.
Good luck!
CH – I have been in many careers, and the one I am now is probably the most rewarding – counseling. The things about INFJ’s is that we tend to get bored rather quickly if we are not learning something new. BUT, if you can find a career where you can SEE (visually) the fruits of your labour, you will get satisfaction from this. In the past, I have worked in healthcare but never got to see the clients after they healed. The career I have now is drug & alcohol rehab so watching the changes that people CHOOSE to make in their lives over a few months is really incredible. We want to help others, but a big staying factor in any profession will be if you can SEE any results of your work. When you have the ability to see someone else bloom because of the help you have given them — there is nothing like it.
R, and Annie, thank you both for sharing your stories and thoughtful feedback. Good to know that there are some folks out there that can relate! Sometimes I wonder…
I think you are both on to something…helping people and actively trying to make the world a better place is definitely more important to me than I realized when I was younger. At work a few hours ago, one co-worker complained to us all about how someone threw a bunch of recyclables in the trash bin (catering work). This male (very attractive) coworker, turned to me and said, “Who cares?” Instant turnoff! Haha, he is still pleasant to look at, that’s it now… Who cares? I care. I can’t help it!
Anyhow, back to the point, I will definitely check out the book, Quiet. And do some research into counseling programs. Another area of interest is in becoming a Doctor of Naturopathy, but I am weighing whether I want to commit to the length of schooling required, cost, number of science courses (not my fav), etc. I really like the idea of a holistic approach to healthcare integrated with standard U.S. approach to medicine, and the field is definitely growing. You would definitely be able to continue learning about the field for a lifetime!
I definitely understand the value and importance of money more than I did a few years back, but I still know deep down that if that was the only thing I worked for, I’d feel deeply unsatisfied.
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everything’s so true! (Im INFJ like 99% sure, tested and retested and the same comes up, then read and read abt it everywhere, and never so self identified have felt before I laughed the whole way bc its so amazing haha)..on the vengeance thing, omg Im the jesus type for sure, always, but also I drop it completely, done with a person, who has disappointed me deeply: lost their trust, or feel unsafe somehow and know I will inevitably be hurt in any way in the future. I give second and even n chances, it really depends- is it family? is it a relationship? is it a friendship?-and its also really case by case..another thing I wanna emphasize is that we can ‘mimic other personality types’ ..this is so true. I think we can but its just natural, it is if the other person we’re talking about is that other personality type. Then our intuitive and emotional powers hit, and we mirror these people. So with extroverts, we’ll act all social butterfly-y and with introverts not so much, on a one-on-one (yeah bc if it’s a group of people, we’ll just be introverted-y). Another thing is Im really optimist though, even surrounded by depressed people. Or maybe I can hold myself optimist longer! Life has taught me to be so, and also Im usually surrounded by extroverted types (my parents especially)…I naturally not drawn to introverts I think..bc I really dont make a first step as an introvert myself to even look into the eye, talk, etc…Im the type who smiles and says “HELLO:D” when another person says at least “hello:(“….also i have very few friends, and fewer of those who have gained my calling them friend, and i get all cheesy and like id die for them for real by sticking up for them and i think they would do, (the proofs of their friendship has kinda proved it, maybe, sorta).. I always make if at least 1 or 2, in high school, college, and well, now, beyond college. I feel lonely sometimes NOW, bc Im away from my friends and i havent yet found a job and im not in school nor atten any club or group hobby but then again Im abroad…but, then I remember I am likable and super cute (even my non friends say that) lol soooo this will pass (and it better!). I also am spiritual, after a lapse of skepticism typical of the college phase,…but Im back to being me, I mean I never lost faith in my god anyway so…yeah…however, this allows me to see myself not in a pitiful lonely oh poor you viewpoint but in a “Im part of all creation, like the rest; and Im alive to know that Im very loved by God, my parents, and myself primordially and besides I won that sperm race, chyea chyea bitches! lol *yeah, we ppl are weird lol*; and Im here to become stronger, wiser, more patient, bc life is such a miracle and can always be one even after a storm, we can make it so,” viewpoint. Then, when And then when Im surrounded by new people again, Im like subconsciously “omg I cant wait to go back home, im so bored/tired/annoyed”..double edge sword, but hey, we try…i love to overanalyze really…it makes me find out where i really stand (my values) in a situation or person. Like how i really feel. And what my decision will be. I think “what if im wrong?”, but the overanalyzing and actions proven from the situation or person tell me “no, you’re not”. Even if I was wrong, there really is no bigger privilege in life as to be oneself, and as cliche as it is and sounds, not everyone or anyone is…. as for words v actions, that so true..for me, the action is all, even overrides the intention..well, on a case by case basis :p but I tend to value things so. I will let go of things that hurt me easily…most of the time.
Darn it this is so long..sorry if you feel I spammed (i think i did) your blog…oops.
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I’m an INFJ and reading this I suddenly realised why I ended my last relationship (a d have not been in one for 5 years).
I mean, I guess I knew, but it can be hard explaining it. He had unstable energy and he when he felt down i always ended up feeling down. And once I saw there was no future to our relationship I had no happiness from it, though it was difficult for me to end it. I later found out he never saw it as a long term relationship and it hurt me a lot.
I have a question. I have a friend who is one. of my close friends who I can tell a lot too (not everything, but a lot). She used to tell. me when she was upset or. having relationship problems, but recently she hasn’t so much and I have been finding out later.
I tried to tell her how I felt, finding out the way I did, but I ended up making her feel guilty which was not my intention, my intention is just I want ro help her.
i was. wondering if anyone has advice on how I can manage my tendency to worry about her and wanting to help her, with her need for privacy.
She’s an ISFP.
sorry for typos, I’m typing this on my phone.
I’m an ISFP (dating an INFJ) – maybe i can give some insight! I find a lot of ISFPs have a “lemme do it!” complex and feel the need to either take care of things themselves or prove themselves (with whatever their “performance” is) – sometimes we see people trying to help as people thinking we’re not doing as good as a job as we could, so we take it personally and either withdraw or act out.
I think the best thing to do would be to let her know how much you care about her and want to protect her, and that she can come to you to talk about things whenever she feels ready. It shouldn’t take her long after that – once she realizes that it comes from love she’ll come around, but it has to be on her own terms.
Thank you for this insight. I’m an INFJ man pursuing a relationship with an ISFP woman. We’re in the beginning stages, and things are still a bit awkward.
There are highly adaptable people that take compromises and think about others before themselves. They seek satisfaction in doing good. That is their primal need. They are the least selfish people, sometimes negatively affecting their own personal life for the sake of others.
In social situations, they become introverted if they sense an uncomfortable atmosphere that nobody else in the group seems to notice. If they’re at ease and feel that being extroverted won’t have adverse consequences, they tend to indulge in being the center of attention and “steal the show”, sometimes on purpose and other times by chance. They either choose to stand out or blend in. They love to play with possibility and can be considered double agents of personality. That probably didn’t make sense to you.
They always think they’re right, and usually are. They deliberately miss the chance of being right in order to let someone else feel the pleasure of what might be considered an achievement, big or small. That can be winning an argument, or something more significant.
They understand that other people need the attention more than them, so they stand back and let them have their small moment of social glory, watching what they know could have done better. They think in layers, and usually don’t even understand themselves because their minds adapt to its own way of thinking, and is constantly changing so it doesn’t get dominated by itself. They feel they’re crazy and that nobody understands them, because their mind is constantly opening new possibilities and ideas and trying to bypass itself from its standards filter.
They’re are eternal perfectionists, never satisfied with their own works, and abandoning them before they’re completed. They know they’re perfectionists, yet they prefer to let someone else take the credit in a situation that derived from allowing an imperfection to happen. They love aesthetics but can also see beauty where others can’t. They are messy and can handle extreme chaos and filth, yet they love tidiness and cleanliness and will always try to look their best…if they feel like it. They have double standards for everything, yet their moral filter will always default to something positive. They enjoy social company, but also enjoy alone time. They’re the true definition of a weirdo.
OH this is very good, as I am an INFJ and we do tend to contradict ourselves quite often….very quirky and what I call fickle. When we don’t see what we want out there (in people/relationships) — we hide back away like a turtle pokes their head into a shell.
I have been dating a kind, caring, wonderful INFJ man for over a year now. There have been a few times I have felt he was just down right strange, but didn’t hold that against him because I have my own little quirks. At times he just brings up off the wall stuff from nowhere…Stuff that makes me think where in the world did that come from and is he really thinking about what he is saying…it’s almost like some sort of fantasy world…dreaming stuff up that he would like to do..so on. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a dream, but to really think certain far-fetched things will happen. He sometimes becomes upset/irritated with me because I may not always give him the answer to his questions about his fantasy world that he wants to hear. It sometimes turns into a disagreement because of my wrong answers or not saying the right thing. When this happens the whole situation gets turned on me to make it seem like I’m the one wanting to start an argument when that is the last thing I ever want to do…I want to live in PEACE! Majority of the time our relationship is great, but its those off the wall moments that kind of throw us off. I’m not giving up on him and I’m willing to keep on trying to understand him during those times I can’t. I need a little guidance in the direction/steps I should take to learn.. Sometimes he leaves me so confused I don’t know which way to go. Can anyone give me any tips or advice on dating an INFJ man.
In response to Trying
You were asking some advice on dating an INFJ man, in particular what to do when he has “off the wall fantasy ideas”. Since i am a woman I can’t take it from a guy perspective but I will try to from an INFJ’s. First off the fact that he’s sharing his fantasy’s with you means he most likely feels really close to you, an INFJ will not usually share such things otherwise. What you have to understand is these ideas of his are most likely not what he expects to happen but rather dreams could happen. He probably realizes that they are off the wall and does not want you to point out that they are (he already knows) but rather have a share in the fantasy. I guess one way to describe what hes doing is trying to look beyond logic and reason and see the possibilities.,and if you bring up logic and reason you are ruining his fun. I think one thing that INFJ’s tend to excel at is being able to look beyond what everyone else sees and see something different. What you should probably do in his “off the wall” moments is have some fun and dream big along with him and see where it goes. Hope this helps.
Thank you so much for the response. This truly helps me to begin to understand those moments and helps me realize that I am the one he shares those with. I can now be more aware of how to try to handle those times. As I think back, I can see where my logic and reason could ruin his fun.
I have found at times when we have discussions about different topics, sometimes just everyday life situations, he is determined to prove his opinion, theory, thoughts are the right ones and when I speak my thoughts it sometimes causes a little conflict. It’s almost as if he is trying to sway me into thinking his way is the best way…at times I think they are BUT when I do not agree it’s not always the best convo. I’m very kind, caring and think about others feelings, but yet will defend my own opinion if i feel it necessary. Any advice on how to handle these times??
I know it may sound like our relationship isn’t the best, but actually it’s great… We are both trying to understand and learn to communicate, but sometimes I feel I hit a wall and can’t quite figure out what to say or not say and I’m determined to understand!! I’ve been searching for any info I can find on INFJ’s and a friend found this site for me. I’m open to any helpful advice you feel would be beneficial. Thanks again!!!
Honesty your relationship does sound great to me. The fact that your trying to understand says a lot about your character, and I wish you the best.
As far as him trying to prove his opinion on something and not really listening to yours, well, this is one of the possible downfalls of an INFJ. An INFJ can be very opinionated and not always very open to others ideas. The funny thing is we want to be open to new ideas, but a lot of times have already thought about a certain thing so deeply that we don’t even consider a new idea and don’t realize it. I’m not saying he will always be like this or that he won’t be open to your opinions just that he might not realize hes not being open to your opinions. INFJ’s usually think very deeply about things they consider important in life and are not always very good at communicating how they came up with their conclusions. If he feels like your not fully considering his ideas or don’t understand them he will probably keep trying to convince you of them, until he feels you do understand his point of view. I can’t really tell you what to do but when something comes up where you have a different opinion, it might be best if you asked him to explain his opinion then state and explain yours and see if he can explain why he might not agree with yours (just make him know you understand what hes saying). In the end you may still have different opinions but at least you can understand each others.
A side note:
When it comes to feelings most INFJ’s are better at writing them down then speaking them. So if you really want to know his feelings on something and understand them consider asking him to write them down for you.
Again, I appreciate any and alll replies!! I can’t even begin to tell how hard I’m trying to be understanding. I’m having a little difficulty with being criticized by something I may not say or say the right way in his eyes…He takes it one way when it meant something totally different. I try to explain myself, but he becomes really hard on me because I didn’t say it the correct way… sometimes he may say I disrespect him and that is the last thing I would ever do. I totally respect him and wouldn’t dare disrespect him and sometimes I’m at a loss of words at this point with him. Any advice??
I’m an INFJ male and I can relate to what you’re writing. Here’s my $0.02. We have a lot of ideas that we believe in strongly and feel compelled to bring to reality. It’s the last bit where we get caught.. “bringing to reality” – it can be a challenge and others may look at us like we’re nuts. You can’t go up against an INFJ, trying to convince them the errors of their ideas. Rather, you should work with them at their side, helping them move towards their goal. We’re quick studies and will realize when we’re off track. But we need to be “supported” to that realization asap. Every step towards realizing our ideas is a learning experience and we’re very open minded. Of course, I don’t speak for all INFJ males, but I feel offended when my ideas are dismissed off hand (since as someone mentioned above, I have given it a lot of thought before sharing). So bottom line: try to be supportive of the realization of their ideas. Help them break down their ideas into manageable chunks. Help them validate those chunks and change course if necessary. We’re not stubborn, we’re just committed.
Your reply is very much appreciated! Thank you!!!! This sight has been very helpful for me and I’m very thankful for any replies I receive. I have been trying extemely hard to support any ideas he may have, even when they seem a little odd or unrealistic to me… I’ve been trying to just go along. When I take a look back, I can remember things he said months ago and now he doesn’t say much about those things very often. He may not talk quite intensly about it as the previous time, then it’s forgotten about. I may not always agree, but I’m learning to not just shut the door on whatever it may be.
One difficulty right now is when he is trying to convince/change my mind with something related to me. I’ve made attempts to try to tell him “I appreciate you caring enough about me to want to help me, but I don’t feel that is something I should or want to do”. Its like an automatic defense mechanism sets in with him and I’m questioned. He wants to know the reason behind my answer. I’ve made attempts to answer some questions, but there have been times my words seem to have gotten twisted to almost confuse me. I didn’t tell him for quite some time I felt my words got twisted around, but I finally did in a gentle, kind way. He was quick to answer that he does not twist my words. All I could do was basically sit there and say nothing or it would end up in a debate.
Over the weeks I’ve made attempts to stop a conversation if I felt it was headed in the wrong direction because I didn’t want it to end up in a debate/disagreement. I try to be supportive on situations, but don’t feel I can just agree with everything he thinks is right… that’s just not the way life goes.
He has told me himself if I wasn’t as fisty, energtic and speak how I feel he would get bored with me. This leaves me in confusion at times because I may speak what I feel, but almost feel I get into trouble for doing it afterwards…almost like a child getting into trouble. He loves to use the word disrespect (ed,ful) and I have a hard time understanding how he can use that word when I’m not disrespecting him. I’m the one that feels disrepected at times, but never say it because I know he’ll say I don’t disrespect you and then it will go from there…. It’s almost as if we speak a totally different language at times. I know men and women think differently, but I can’t really explain this communication barrier I guess you would say that’s going on. I know he is a really great guy and other than these communication difficulties we run into on occassion, everything is great. We both know it’s growing pains in our relationship, but I’m desperately looking for any advice, help I can find on my end. If I can keep in contact with anyone on here I would be so appreciative!
Dear Trying,
As far as your question of “One difficulty right now is when he is trying to convince/change my mind with something related to me. I’ve made attempts to try to tell him “I appreciate you caring enough about me to want to help me, but I don’t feel that is something I should or want to do”. Its like an automatic defense mechanism sets in with him and I’m questioned. He wants to know the reason behind my answer.”
I don’t know what specifically you may be referring to but INFJ’s tend to always try to perfect themselves. We are always trying to become better and those closest to us we expect them do do the same.When he is telling you something you could personally work on hes not judging you but trying to help you. If you out right refuse this help, it may send a signal that you don’t care to be better (which can be hard for and INFJ to understand), and he’s giving you the benefit of the doubt in asking you to explain.
As far as the twisting words thing, I don’t know you or him so all I can say is INFJ’s are usually really good at reading other people and may understand what a person is conveying more then even that person knows. He may not be twisting your words but is reading behind the lines and sees connections you don’t realize without even realizing that’s what he’s doing (its kind of an Unconscious thought processes). I don’t know if that made any sense but hope it helps.
Thank you for your reply.I somewhat understand your explanation. You have explained it in a way that I have been trying to find the words to understand and attempt to explain what I think and see when it happens.
I totally agree with Anonywuss and again replying to Trying! I didn’t finish reading all your replies to your first post (lol) and wanted to add that it’s definitely very very awesome that your guy is opening up to you b/c INFJ’s rarely share what goes on in their little heads. And especially if he’s sharing big things, dreams that he has, that’s big that means he wants to be close with you and letting you in on his “layers.” One thing I noticed about myself (being an INFJ female) is that I definitely think I’m right all the time. We tend to think we have this special “sensing,” “emotional” power so we read people easily and can understand their actions/emotions just by having one phrase with them, one look at them or one touch. So I usually find it offensive too when a mate points out that I’m wrong. I agree with Anonywuss that if you are just supportive of their ideas (not actually in executing them) but supportive in that you want to learn more about their ideas, then INFJs will be satisfied. INFJs are pretty smart (or at least they think they are) so they will soon find out if their ideas are not realistic. INFJ’s value not in if their ideas are realistic or can really be achieved but the fact that they HAVE these ideas and are sharing them with someone close to them, someone who is genuinely interested in listening to them and tolerating them.
As an INFJ guy, I can totally relate to your bf. I’m constantly saying completely off-the-wall things to my friends, which they don’t understand. A lot of it just comes from seeing things in a different light and making connections most people would never make.
That being said, I think Nicole pretty much hit the nail on the head as far as that goes. He most likely already knows how weird he is sometimes, and doesn’t expect too much of a reply from you other than a laugh, or something similar. Off the wall comments are kind of like our way to give a little invite to others into our world. No need to over-analyze his comments – just be thankful he’s inviting you into his world and be willing to go along for the ride.
<3 Trying, I hope you can understand I do not mean to offend you or your partners relationship, but this sounds like flat out insecurity to me. I say this, because I do this myself. I have a friend I'm deadset on believing does not understand me. I feel like I try MY hardest to explain things to do, but half the time I end up with more questions than responses. Like they don't even try to play with me. However, lately, it's becoming more and more apparent to me that this is MY problem and it does not have so much to do with the other person. Everyone has it in them to try too hard. I do it, you do it & then we get hurt because we're not sure of the others intentions. I've found I'm only willing to defend something when I'm sure of my interpretation. However, when someone brings something to me that I did not consider, it makes me question myself which is bad.. because I feel like if I cannot make myself clear.. I'm not presenting myself correctly to the world and if I am not presenting myself correctly, I must not know myself very well and THEN, if I do not know myself very well, how could I be loved? Very complicated effort and for that I'm sorry but this is just.. how things worked with me in the past. I hope that it may help you!
Below Green, I absolutely love how we can see you your thought process unfold when you start to say, “Everyone has it in them to try to hard.” I’m not sure if you are an INFJ, since you didn’t mention it. I am an INFJ female and completely understand where you’re coming from.
This is just how we process things. We have the ability to instantly make connections, and jump from one conclusion to the next and so on and so forth. Yes, this can become incredibly exhausting and frustrating, but it’s all in how you look at it. You can either choose to accept it, or decide you’re not comfortable and make changes accordingly. I’m fully aware that this is how I function as a person and I choose to embrace it. It can be difficult at times, but I figure, “Hey, this is what works for me. I just have to do my best and deal with it on my own and in interactions with others. And if some people can’t fully accept where I’m coming from, then maybe it’s really just now worth my while.”
Hope this proves helpful to someone!
Hey! In response to @Trying on advice on dating INFJ males. I’m an INFJ female but I totally fit what you’re describing about the guy you’re dating. We definitely “bring up off the wall stuff from nowhere.” For instance, this one guy I was with, I’d tell him about idealistic goals/dreams I have like I want to hold a concert (when we both know I can’t sing for shit) or I want to build hospitals when I’m filthy rich (I’m in my mid 20′s and that’s a big stretch $ wise). The guy I was with knew how to deal with that. He’d “tolerate” whatever comes out of my mouth. He’d twist in a joking way saying that “right I’ll be at your concert so you’ll have at least one person.” What I find most appropriate on how to respond to your guys’ dreams/questions/thoughts is to just listen, like REALLY listen not just half ass it b/c INFJ can tell when you’re just half assing it. You don’t have to make any comments about what they say but really they just want to share with you what’s going on in their head, not really expecting you to give them reasoning about what is going to work/what is not going to work. And, INFJ’s will ALWAYS leave you confuse. You will rarely not be confused. Heck, I even confuse myself with the thoughts I have and decisions I make. INFJs can be very contradictory sometimes but really at the end of the day all they want is for someone to be emotionally supportive, patient and just listen to them and accept them for who they are. Hope this helps.
I am also an INFJ female, and all I really have to say is “well put!” Great advice from an INFJ’s perspective.
I only recently found out I was an INFJ and this describes me perfectly. Especially the part about having standards for friends. I know I do. Its not so much standards like: you have to be very funny, no drama, etc. etc but its something I can’t quite explain. I don’t just want a friend who doesn’t even understand me or one who is just there. I honestly have to feel a connection to someone for them to be my friend. It sounds bad, I know. I have two ‘friends’ right now who I don’t even want to be friends with. I honestly don’t. We don’t argue or anything but after having spoken to them for 2 days I feel drained and not like myself. I was pressured by one to open up and though I said a few things here and there I feel worse! I feel bad that I let a part of myself out to someone I don’t even want to be friends with…. I hold nearly every aspect of myself close to me and don’t let anything out unless I’m close to someone and comfortable with them. And its not just knowing them for 10 months or 10 years. Its the person not the amount of time for me. So I feel like reading all this has helped me to accept myself and understand that this IS the way I am. There’s no other way I’m suppose to be or should feel pressured to be.
Wow, that’s exactly the same way I feel too.
I know exactly how you feel. I like the way you put it that you cannot just be friends with people you do not connect with, who are “just there”. There are very few people that I am comfortable enough around to have a close relationship with them in my life. I also agree with the fact it depends on the person, not how long you knew them. I just sometimes feel that people do not understand me, but I know there is no way I can make them. They either do or they don’t.
I am 18 years old, and I am an INFJ as well. I read the description and several of the comments posted and felt I was looking into a mirror. High school was not exactly easy for me–although I do believe I have some close friends–because I never felt like I fit in with a particular group. I had many acquaintanceships and I value all of my friendships and I would my family members. I think I would give up my life for any single one of them or defend them to the death. Anyway, to this day, I have not had a single boyfriend. This is not to say I did not have crushes, but I feel like I had more intense feelings toward the person of interest than what I got in return. Also, I set such high standards to those I wish to be a part of my life. Several men have expressed interest in me as well, but I never felt the same toward them. However, I did have this sort of “almost relationship” with this guy in high school. We were not even really friends, but I felt such a strong connection to. With my intuitive senses, I suspect that he was interested in me as well. It never really developed into a tangible reality. As an INFJ, verbal communication has never been my forte (though as you can see I can write a novel). However, for a while we made intense eye contact and talked briefly. Anyway, the whole thing really became toxic. Uncharacteristicly, I will spare you all the details. But it came down the fact that there was a reason we were not meant for each other. We actually had a class together last year, and that is when I really started to see who he was. He was not a bad person, but I found we were not very compatible and this caused me a whole lot of grief because I was so emotionally attached. Also, I never told anyone, which left the whole struggle in my mind. But now, the whole thing is over, and I know it’s for the best to never go back. I still think about him from time to time, but no longer romanticly. We INFJ’s tend to care for people even if we don’t like them. (or I think that is a common characteristic)I never shared this with anyone really before, even my closest friends and family, but for some reason I feel confortable because you people would understand my train of thought without criticism, as we tend to hate criticism and not handle it well. I have also noticed that many of you have dealt with depression. Although I never had it clinically confirmed, I have also experienced similar depression streaks. Some periods of time, I will feel closed off from the world and disappointed in myself, but other times I will feel care-free, sociablem, and absolutely content. I guess I must learn to accept this is how I function. I hope my future spouse and friends may accept this. Of course, I would not allow them this close to me if they did not accept me. I guess we all must experience isolation as INFJs. My faith in the Lord–and that optimistic optimistic side He gave me–help me through these trials. It also helps to have close relationships. Again, I apologize for the novel, but we are very complex individuals and anything less than a novel wouldn’t be enough.
I’m a male and feel the same way about relationships; I was a loner for many years before I found my wife who is an INFJ as well, I only mustard up the strength to meet with her because she was a co-worker and needed a ride home which later became marriage and four children. My wife and I found out yesterday that we both are INFJ’s and understand now why we struggle making friends and not able to fit in like the others can do so easily.
I think you just described my whole high school experience exactly. When I would finally divulge to someone very closely why I had a crush on a person, my only reasoning that I could explain was that I just felt a strong connection to them. People I like do not know that I like them, and I practically kill to make sure they do not know. Like, I read this things that said “They may love someone intensely but they find it hard to openly demonstrate this.” And I agree because I will be madly in love w/ someone but they don’t even have a clue because I try very hard not to show it.
I`m 19 years old and you just told me my story ^_^ PLEASE contact me, i would love to talk with you
kefyras347@gmail.com
Shooooot, you just described my high school experience to, like, the smallest detail. I had the same experience with a guy in my class; it would suffice to say I was madly in love with him until I found pieces of him that didn’t fit in my world. Just… wow. It’s so nice to know there’s someone so similar to me somewhere in the world.
This is. . .wow. having some relationship difficulties bc they just don’t get it and sent this to them as a Bible to deal with me. I’ve felt this way my whole life, and have had every single one of these comments spoken to me, sometimes in the same words. YES YES with complex, nobody will ever be able to get me, pull away, etc.! I know it was said earlier, but. . .can we seriously meet somehow? Where does everyone live? I live in NW Arkansas/SW Missouri . . .
Reblogged this on crunchypaper and commented:
Sounds about right…
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I just discovered i’m INFJ, I’m sort of reeling at how accurately the INFJ description describes me as I’ve always felt like i’m a contradictory mess. i’ve suffered from depression from dysthymia to major depression and also anxiety. I’ve never fit in anywhere in my life either and I was born and raised in Nigeria, moved to the states when I was nine. Never ever fit in anywhere to this day even with my own family….I’m pretty isolated but I’m a post-grad living at home with my parents so thankfully I’m not totally lonely.
If this is not the craziest thing. I’m Nigerian too. Feel like you. I live with my parents too, but in Nigeria, went to college in America though. Always been called weird and even psychotic.
I’m an INFJ as well in her early 20s (someone mentioned that most of us are probably left-handed, is that true? Because I am.), I read the article and most of the comments and I was wondering, are there any other queer INFJs like me out there? Have you ever felt that there was an ongoing struggle concerning your sexuality, not like an acceptance thing but more like “I know how I feel but it seems more complex than you’d expect, so I’m not sure if you can ever understand”? Personally I strive for meaningful relationships like most INFJs seem to do, but I came to realize that when I like someone, it doesn’t matter what their gender is. My main problem with this was that I was continuously doubting myself, trying to rationalize every small aspect rather than let myself free to explore. I’ve reached the point where I could read and understand complex texts about gender/sexuality etc. but I lacked in practice. It took me a long time to stop thinking that this is another of my ocd-like mind games and allow myself to just feel, to connect with other people.
I can relate to that very much. In fact it has caused me some amount of grief, because I have felt that the gender binary has been troublesome…My first ex was really jealous when I would hang out with guys, even though I could have the same potential attraction to girls. And it didn’t help that I later realized I was polyamorous (though not opposed to monogamous relationships.) It just feels like the situation always /has/ to be complicated with me. I definitely let my ocd-like mind games get in the way for a long time before I discovered a lot of this about myself though.
Thank you for your reply, it means a lot to know that I’m not alone (well, that’s probably an exaggeration since, despite us comprising a small part of the population, there *have* to be other INFJs of different sexuality). The gender binary is indeed troublesome, I can’t really explain how I’m attracted to people and this causes me a lot of frustration. I’ve known that I’m attracted to people of different genders but it took me a long time since the first realisation to let myself go just a little bit. I have dated men and women and a person of indefinite gender (it sounds like a lot of people, but they’re really not, I’m quite picky with whom I open up to) and I really don’t know what the future holds for me. I think that one of the best things I’ve done concerning this, is that I finally started socializing with queer people//joined organisations and speaking about my feelings/the way I view things, even though I often feel that words fail me. I’m not sure about being polyamorous 100%, but I have the potential, if that makes sense.
Another thing that I think a lot of INFJs would relate to, is that my feelings are quite often so strong that they can take over me. As a person who cries a lot, privately but also maybe more often that other people in the company of others, I have been left feeling that I show immense weakness. Nobody wants to see someone crying, because it’s mostly seen as a very private thing and it’s assumed that somebody/something triggered this sadness or anger. It’s just that I’m overwhelmed by emotions, sometimes I’m sad or angry, yes, but there are other times when I feel with such intensity my whole body is consumed by the emotion. It’s a nearly catharctic experience, that doesn’t lead to catharsis in the very end, leaving me unfullfilled.
I really don’t wish to appear pretentious (maybe I’m just a little bit of a drama queen, who am I trying to fool? -laughs-), I’m just glad that I found this page and similar ones where I can discuss with other INFJs.
Wow. I’m so glad I happened upon this thread. I’m 30, have identified as a (monogamous) lesbian my entire adult life, and just started a poly relationship with a man.
The only way I can explain it is that it seems crazy to me to rule someone out just because of categories and labels if the relationship feels like the right one.
Other people seem to think its crazy to suddenly completely “change” who I am. I don’t feel like it’s really much of a change because underneath, the goal is still to find the right love for me.
“It just feels like the situation always /has/ to be complicated with me.” Yes, yes, yes. Completely. Yes. But…what about just feeling lucky. That we get to see the world in a (despite maybe, at least for me, taking a lot of things seriously and having a strong value system) way that allows us to FULLY EXPERIENCE life. Yes, crying and feeling all the time can be draining. But our experiences are virtually limitless…our bodies and minds and spirits have told us that from a very young age. It’s up to us to smile and love ourselves and not feel the need to explain things to everyone…and maybe not even ourselves…and just ENJOY life. And just listen to our gut and bodies and see where life takes us….
I can relate! Man, I’ve been reading all of these comments and I was skimming and falling asleep and I landed on this one! You answered something I’ve still been having lingering questions on despite all the self-discovery I’ve made in the past few months. You put into words or at least mirror what I’ve thought about in regard to how to define my sexuality or how I see attraction and my gender / sexual identity, woo!
Sorry to add another comment, AK. But THIS:
“I’ve reached the point where I could read and understand complex texts about gender/sexuality etc. but I lacked in practice. It took me a long time to stop thinking that this is another of my ocd-like mind games and allow myself to just feel, to connect with other people.”
Relate so much. A big breakthrough in my gender/sexuality expression came after reading the book Middlesex. I related to Cal so much and I cried and it was freeing but confusing because I was very inexperienced at the time. But damnit, who cares? When you feel, you feel. And when you’re an INFJ, that’s a big deal. And pretty damn exciting. There’s no rule book for these things. I will say that the queer community is the most accepting and inclusive community I have physically been in…but even in that environment, I feel like a weirdo because of the aforementioned sensations/realizations. But oh well. It feels too good and is too exciting. Thanks for your comment. It’s nice to have unexpected validation.
I have been depressed and intermitently suffered extreme anxiety for years, especially about my place in the world. I am a musician and this has helped me so so much. Thank you for all this information it feel like things make more sense now
I also always know that I am the worst person in the room! So I have to be very kind…it is like the Hulk…bet ya he is an infj too!
Infj attitude when pissed….You bring a knife, I bring a nuke!
Great post, I have known since highschool I was an INFJ. I always felt like I never fit in. I had a great school councelor who had a sneaking suspicion I was a INFJ. I currently now am an Advocate for autism as my son has it. The role just seems to fit. I still have a hard time opening up to people, and have distanced myself even more sense finding out my son autistic.
I wish I could print this out and hand it to everyone I know. Since my husbands friends think i`m so anti-social.
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Hey I really like your post and feel the same. I have recently found out I’m an infj to a T and as much as this forum has been amazing to hear I feel the “through a glass feeling” as you out it still and almost always. I have read articles from very renoun professors speaking about how true happiness is during the time that your fully engadget in something but I still just want for someone else to simply just get me without having to always explain (or at least feel the need to explain why and or how I am feeling about something) I have been in a relationship for years where we only work because I’m willing to go with it and she keeps me not so serious but is that perfect really? Would I just go into a hurt slump with another infj?
Anyways to any infj who’s dealing with depression or anything dont try and feel like someone did unless their truly worth it or unless the situation is totally worth it. Just because you wanna know how they felt doesn’t mean that’s the best way to get past it. You are all so smart and don’t let depression or anger get the best of you. Just male a promise you yourself and we all know you’ll keep it
. You all rock infjs.
Okay so I just wanted to know if any of you guys have anxiety attacks and whether it’s INFJ related. I realised that I’ve been having them for a few years, didn’t know what they were before, I just thought it was because I’m not good at dealing with my own emotions, especially when they’re strong. I guess I just need to know if it’s partly to do with my personality type because they seem pretty random, spontaneous and irrational to me.
Absolutely. In my experience, anxiety and the INFJ are practically inseparable entities. I think INFJs tend to feel everything quite intensely and are vulnerable to their emotions getting the better of them. Everyone has those times where the flood gates give way, but the intensity of the INFJ and their tendency to take on other people’s problems means that it’s much easier for feel overwhelmed and have panic set in.
Thanks, you’ve given me some clarity. I guess I just need to find some balance then. One of the things I hate and love about myself is the ability to help people though their problems so easily, the downside is the fact that I can’t do that with myself and I also feel obligated to help someone in any way I can even if it’s at my own expense. Yeah, I’m moving away from the point, I do that sometimes, but thank you anyway
Hi there,
seeing the date of the article, i am probably late for the party, but i only found it out just now and wanted to thank you for it, it kinda opened my eyes and made me feel better.
Just a question out of curiosity, where did you get the knowledge about all of this. I mean, after i did the test and scored INFJ, i read the description on the several other sites, but it felt bit plain and i felt indifferent about it. I mean, there were certain aspects, i could identify myself with, but they suggested for example some extrasensory perception to other people´s moods, which i am not really sure, i possess. Sure, i am sensitive to other people moods and can see, how they feel, unless they are too good at pretending, additionally i think i am good listener and absolutely hate seeing other people suffer or cry, always have almost compulsion to do something to make things right for them in such case to stop it… but there are surely times, where i am totally at loss, what the other person thinks…
Anyway, reading your description, its truly like reading about myself, almost every single point. I read some of the comments as well and saw people talking about depression and anxieties and hey! suffering from them is perhaps one of the reasons, why i even took that MBTI test in the first place (and other test for personality disorders, which produced some interesting results as well, read lot of stuff about psychology recently, etc..)…so i finally have a feeling there is some background logic/reason to what is happening to me, why i can feel like i feel.., and yeah, i like, when things make sense to me.
So, thanks again.
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Interesting.
Yes! never realized there were other people as “different” as me! I almost feel normal now =). Every description of an INFJ is like yes, Yes, YES that’s me!
This is the amalgam of all the fragmented chunks of my Personality I knew were there, but was never able to coherently piece together. Thank you.
INFJ here… loved this. I believe there are some INFJ traits that can transform… particularly the vengeance one. This is one of the more comprehensive explorations of INFJ I’ve ever read. A great feast of affirmation and understanding. I’m feeling less defective! :0)
Had to comment.
Great blog.Its suprising how accurate alot of this stuff is.
As an INFJ i think its important to remember not to get down on ourselves when we sit back or hold back in social situations.
Ive come to the conclusion that i do it because i have way too much respect for everyone and dont wish to impose or hurt people.
The flipside is my buttons that will eventually set me off is anything that is dis respectful to me as a person or my values or friends etc.
It takes ALOT to make me angry.Ussually il give the quiet treatment if im forced to be with said company.
Im just too nice, and when someone has a go at me to make theselves feel better(group situation) i have so many nasty witty comebacks….but..im just not that mean.
I just take the hit, because i feel i can take it much better than them and so i do them a favour every time.
If it helps you to do the same, imagine you are assisting a weak vunerable person in not making a fool out of themselves lol
Like others have said here, i read everyone in the room like a book and would feel worse if i took advantage..so ussually the rest of the group carry on thinking im quiet and harmless and sometimes average.
I find it funny watching people lie aswell.I never pull them on it because id hate to embarrass them, but i do find it funny.
Im sure many here can relate.
I think being an INFJ gives me this patience and i also understand im a ticking bomb.
I give everyone extra leeway or bufferspace as was mentioned.I give more than enough so that when i bring down the hammer, i am 150% sure within myself my actions are justified.
And boy when that hammer comes down, do not be underneath
Its always been justified all my life but very rare to see my rage, but i have some fury when i see and feel an injustice and act on it.
I have a massive, overpowering sense of justice its scary.
But its well tempered especially as i get older.
Also i think our ability to get to know ourselves can be our downfall.
We are too insightful sometimes.
Somebody mentioned left handedness.
I am willing to bet the majority here are left handed.
And i also think a majority here might also have an afinity with cats, but also like most animals.
If theres a forums for INFJ’s to talk, please post it here, i would be interested to meet people who actually know where im coming from!
Thanks all for some amazing comments to this amazing article.
Apologies for the long post, INFJ to the max! no detail must be spared mwwuahahahahaaa!
I am an INFJ, but I am right handed. I read somewhere that INFJs are supposed to be rather well-balanced in regards to right brain vs. left brain, and that certainly holds true for me. I wanted to ask you all what you work in. Every job recommendation for the INFJ I have seen has been religious or psychological. I used to think I wanted to go into psychology, but along the way I realized that, while I could do it and be very good at it, it is difficult for me to disconnect from other people’s problems. My values are also not identical to any one religion’s, so I would never sign myself up for a religious position, even though every website seems to think INFJs would be good nuns/priests.
I am going into accounting. I’m detail-oriented, and I like that it is practical and makes sense. I would like it if my ideas could be lived out, so I think knowing about the cost of them shows me how possible they are. Technically, accountants “should” be sensing, not intuitive, and most are thinking, not feeling. I don’t really care, because I think it would be silly to select a career ONLY based on what a website says. I just wanted to see what other INFJs have chosen for their careers.
Hi FH, I am a lawyer. I was born left-handed, but the parents thought it wise to transform me to a right-handed lass. So now, my left is only good for scribbles.
I love this post to the max. It’s a bit uncanny though how all INFJs appear to be alike or experienced almost the exact same situations in life. Hmmmmmm.
So many of these INFJ characteristics ring true. I can easily sense when people are being fake or if a situation is not right, but at the same time can be gullible. It is difficult for me to initiate conversations often. And sometimes verbal communication is difficult for, even though I have all these thoughts going through my mind. I remember one time my old roommate said “just spit it out!” when I was stumbling over how to word something. Her blunt communication hurt as I felt she was being too critical, and I already have high standards for myself. I have several close friends, am definitely not the social butterfly I used to always wish I could be. Now I embrace it and value my sincere and genuine friendships even more.
Needing alone time to recharge, striving for harmony, being stubborn, taking offense to someone thinking I am average or too quiet, and future oriented — I fit it all.
If you’re in a relationship with an INFJ, know we will stick by you, I am only interested in a serious relationships (as long as your values, etc fit with ours, but then again, we probably wouldn’t be with you in the first place if we didn’t think so from the beginning
“BAM! Tactical. Nuclear. Strike.” It must be a fearsome sight to see a placid and oddly imaginative person suddenly burst into Wonder Woman or Bat Man! Embrace your inner Protector! It means you hold something precious in this mad, mad world.
I love how you phrased this. It’s perfectly true. Calm sea’s and then bam you’ve got a heated rabid animal loose on you.
I do believe my cynical side tends to protect me. I have learned to balance it more with my bubbly side. I also find that I’m constantly reconciling my creative/impulsive nature with my controlling/analytic side. When one of them is stuck, I feel incomplete/empty. As far as when I’m angry with somebody, it really has to be something that is drastic. I have learned to use my anger to help other people that I encounter learn if they make me angry. I believe you cannot have peace at any cost. There must be war before you have peace. I must stun the people, who I get angry with, because I am calm and my words come out with calm deliberation yet tinged with compassion. I believe in the teaching of Jesus beginning with the principal: “When two or more meet, I am there.”
Ive been struggling, struggling, struggling for years. Now, when I discovered my personality, it all makes sense. I feel like I can finally breathe. Thank you infij. Thank you.
I’ve heard that INFJs are prone to anxiety & depression disorders. I’ve struggle with depression and was wondering if any of you have experienced that before?
Yeah, I’ve been dealing with depression for something like six years. Sometimes it’s something someone has done or if I feel rejected that pushes me back into it or sometimes it just feels random. I’d describe it like always having an overcast sky that sometimes clears, some times being longer than others. My depression is sort of on/off and mostly unexpected.
As for the anxiety. I’d say maybe. I know I have a mild form of OCD. I get sort of obsessed with perfection sometimes too. Though I’m not sure if it’s just me or if other INFJ’s are like that too.
Hope I helped.
Yes. That is the trade off. When we can dive deep in order to receive more insight into interpersonal issues. We must feel the pain once again/over and over again in order to tap that insight. I find, in my middle age, that tapping into my inferior side, extraverted sensing, helps me cope (i.e. golfing, swimming, walking in nature alone or with a friend/friends/my ISTP hubby). This site helps too! It is better than any counseling/hypnotism.
Wow.
I am exactly the same, random bouts of depression, anxiety, and mild OCD. I find that when I begin to get overwhelmed, my anxiety levels rise and my OCD gets worse, then the depression kicks in.. Also, I find that to overcome my depression, no medication can help, and nothing anyone else says or does can fix it either, it has to be my own realization that I’ve put myself in a hole, and then I can change my thinking and start doing what I like to do despite the way someone or something has made me feel. It’s like an epiphany, as in “Ha, you can’t get me down, I’m going to do it anyway!”
While I was between 10 and 21 I was crying everyday…..My sensitivity was too strong for me to cope with. I had to learn to listen to myself. If I was feeling that bummed feeling coming on I’d go exercise or do something productive that serves a purpose. Music and cleaning really helped me.
I don’t really know if it’s Mostly INFJ’s that feel those things, I think circumstances and such can greatly affect.. However I have read that INFJ’s do tend to have these traits. I went through depression some years ago but it was cause some really bad things happened, I did manage to overcome it though and I don’t think it has to be something that stays with us all the time. The thing is INFJ’s tend to be pessimistic, I do it sometimes I won’t lie, but we should always try to be positive. I do believe that when you have good vibes towards something it makes it easier for you to get to that goal/thing and even if you doubt my words it won’t hurt to try it :]
Finally I’d like to say that no matter how bad things are, it just means you can handle all that stuff so you are a strong individual, and trust me when I tell you, there is no problem that can’t be fixed! I’m talking from experience here. Hope I managed to help somehow
I’m INFJ.
I often get depressed just because.
Other times it’s because I did something that I regret, and I can’t stop regretting. Or because someone I trusted betrayed me.
I can’t cope by my self easily. I find it’s easy to just vent to close friends, or hug someone.
After a bit of that if I watch a comedy or something lighthearted I tend to “see the light” again, and am able to pick myself back up.
If I didn’t do the above I’d be pouting for days…
Depression runs in my family, and it’s here to stay with me, I just have to live with it.
Hi there Mandy,
I’ve struggled with depression for years, and I’m so sorry to learn you do as well. In fact, it was my counselor who introduced me to and administered the MBTI assessment. It seems our type is indeed susceptible to intense bouts of melancholia, though at this point I’m not exactly sure why (I’m still relatively new to Myers-Briggs and Jungian psychology).
If you’d like to discuss it further, please feel free to email me, but if not, please know I understand what you face and I genuinely hope you find relief and peace.
As an INFJ, things are not always black and white. There are many shades of grey. It depends on the person and what their core values are. Certain parts of their core values will either tip the scale one way or another to give you an idea of what they, as an INFJ value the most. For me, I am often a contradiction, I try my best to push myself out of my comfort zone but when asking the opinions of others they always reply that I am one of the sweetest people they’ll ever meet, but they took me to be more of a loner. I’m a social loner…if that helps people understand INFJ’s slightly better.
I’ve always found that people couldn’t get a read on me, but I had them down to a science within the first twenty minutes of meeting them. And I also found myself guilty of setting up the conversation to where I was testing them, gauging their answers without them feeling like I was prying.
INFJ’s are scary skilled when it comes to interrogations. You don’t realize you are being interrogated, poked and prodded, judged and summarized all within a few short minutes.
We also do not forget the wrongs done to us and hold those wrongs deep inside. When we close ourselves off the from the world we try our best to cleanse the darkest corners of our mind. Sometimes with great results, sometimes with a long drawn out crying session.
My boyfriend, after 5 years of being together, cannot stand my crying. He realizes it’s a security blanket, a safety and internal thing, but it rattles him to the core. INFJ’s are intense, we know it and we hate to be told how intense we are as it hurts our fragile balance of self-esteem. We want to know we are doing well, doing right and are above all else the most special creature you know.
Most of us INFJ’s have anxiety/narcissistic/avoidance disorders, it’s just part of our neurological make-up. Some of us have it severely some of us have if mildly.
When you are romantic with an INFJ you will need to understand that we have this imaginary idealism about who you are to us and that the relationship we have with you is now transcended into our imaginary world that we spend so much time in, inside our head. If you do something wrong, like cheat, or lie, or push us beyond our threshold. You have just murdered a slice of our soul that we gave to you. It’s dramatic, but that’s how it is. If we love you, you own us. It’s a sick power that most people abuse or are unworthy of. If we love you and feel that love returned, you own our soul, our heart, even our safe haven inside our head. You are there, the one to be trusted. INFJ’s set themselves up for such painful separations when relationships end. If you cross the line, and we have to end things, we are physically able to end things, but it takes a while for us to repair the damage done to our internal safe haven. Depending on how deep we let you get.
I hope this helps in some way to understand a bit more about INFJ’s.
I have struggled with who I am for years. Any time I took personality tests I came up as a different type. I scored so low in every category it baffled me and was once told in college by a professor that I simply “had no personality.” Always the chameleon adapting to fit the personality of the person(s) around me. I would take the test every year or so and nothing. Then something changed. I had a major trauma (at least in my eyes) and hit a personal rock bottom. Then I began to build myself back up. Finally, a few weeks ago, I bit the bullet and for the first time I had actual results that were strong enough to warrant my very own personality… the INFJ. I’ve read this site inside and out and its by far my favorite. So many beautiful and complex minds. Normal we are not. Simple we are not. But our differences are what make us special. I no longer feel alone. I read all these entries and share all these emotions. I could have written them. I wish I could have figured this out years ago, but I think it took a truly isolating event to be able to think purely for myself and find out who I really am. I thank each and every one of you for what you’ve written on this site. I responded to this particular post because it resonates the most with me and my experiences. “If you do something wrong, like cheat, or lie, or push us beyond our threshold. You have just murdered a slice of our soul that we gave to you.” This quote exemplifies what almost destroyed me. Yet having that slice of my soul murdered ultimately led me to understand who I am. I know I am rambling, as we tend to do. I guess i just feel safe doing it here. Thank you all
This is probably the most accurate thing I have ever read about my personality. I think the most accurate and interesting part about your post is mentioning being narcissistic/anxiety/avoidant disordered. It really hit home for me – I guess it’s being an INFJ at its worst. Thanks for that!
Love you too!
The word “Bible” is quite powerful, regardless of one’s views of religion, and as a professionally-certified INFJ male, I’ll categorically say this article is very much worthy of the title “INFJ Dating Bible.” In fact, I’m wrestling with the idea of printing out a copy and handing it to my next “third date,” if that ever happens, of course. Thank you!
I like how you write. This certainly in a “bible” for the INFJ, or a “how to” guide maybe….
Hi there,
Thank you so much for the generous compliment. Writing skills seem to be the signature talent of INFJs; I know whatever little amount I possess comes absolutely effortlessly. Incidentally, despite receiving copious amounts of praise over the years, I actually have a very low self-esteem in regards to my wordsmithing ability, so when someone like yourself offers such kind flattery, it genuinely warms the deepest recesses of my heart. Thank you again for rousing a heartfelt smile and I wish all the best karma for you and yours.
Im blown away by all this ! Never heard about INFJs though I have just met one and fallen for her ! She told me that i should read about INFJs and im thinking OMG what should i do…I think its best i just be myself and do my best to cope cos reading all the different ways i should adopt im thinking HELP no way hosa ! I will just see what happens. At the moment she is in the stars and though its possible she may have gone there to get away from me cos im the sensitive type, the sort that see`s what others dont see !…yesterday she said her heart was melting so i do hope she comes my way again cos i sense she has a deep and ever lasting love that ive been looking for since i was in my 20s, im now 53 ooooouch… I hope she can bend her rules for me ! Wish me luck folks, thanks. VFM
wish u all the luck from a female infj
Yeah! More INFJ!!! Finally found more of my type after all of these years of feeling distinct but alone
Just a recommendation you can learn more about our type from Susan Cain’s Quite: The Power of Introverts .
And seriously we need to hold a gathering where all INFJ could meet after all :
” Just 1.3% of the male population and 1.6% of the female population in United States apparently belongs to the INFJ personality type 1.”
I agree!!!!!!!!!!!
Name the place and the time. :@)
I’d never leave the gathering….to be with my like minded soul mates would be a thrill
That would be AMAZING!
It’s crazy to think that the comments on here have hit so close to home. Being 17 years old, and never dating anyone or coming close to it, has made me feel like this huge outsider. Like all the other people are in on some joke that nobody told me. I recently had an experience with my family where my older brother and sisters almost interrogated me on my “love life” or lack there of. I felt betrayed when my sister nearest in age to me started spewing out information that I confided in her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want my other brother and sister to know, but rather that I tell them on my own terms…. Or maybe I have such a hard time talking about my feelings, I hardly know them for myself. I have an INTJ brother, who seems to get me the most out of everyone. While we joked about ways for me to open up, like an exaggerated wink or weird contact, he gave me some advise truly from his heart. I just don’t know if I could ever let anyone that I like know my feelings. I can’t get past the thought of the humiliation of letting my feelings out and they not being reciprocated. It’s like being trapped in this limbo of pushing people away and wanting so much for them to come near.
The worst part of it is that I over analyze everything that that the people I like do, to the point where I convince myself they could never like me. I’m the smart one that could never please their circle of friends. I push everyone away with my very very introverted persona. Yet, I go to other places, and I can be this zany, crazy, outgoing person. I wonder why that happens only with my family or church friends. Shouldn’t there be some middle ground I can be a bit of me everywhere?
Hi Ana. Glad you found your way here, I know the first time I read INFJ information it was a huge relief. Welcome and thanks for sharing. As a twenty seven year old male INFJ I can tell you I over analyze girls I like still to this day. It hasn’t made a difference how much experience I get with women I still end up over analyzing the motives and actions of the ones I really like. It’s creates a lot of internal discomfort to the point that I don’t want to like them anymore just so I can have peace of mind again.
Ana, I can relate to how you’re feeling. I’m an 18-year-old female and I’ve never even come close to dating anyone. At times it really bothers me and I often wonder why I am the way I am and why no guy ever seems interested in me.
I always feel incredibly awkward when I’m with friends and they start talking about their past relationships or their boyfriends etc. because I can’t relate to any of it.
Sometimes I feel like an outsider and wish that I could just be “normal”, but I’m beginning to realise that we should just embrace who we are. Although it would be nice to be in a relationship, having a boyfriend is not going to define you and you shouldn’t feel like there’s anything wrong with you for not having one.
Just know that you’re not an outsider, there are others out there who can relate somewhat to how you’re feeling. Just hang in there!
Ana and K,
Wow I was just like you both when I was younger (am now 29), I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 21 (never dated in high school or college!) , my first boyfriend at 24. I was always shy at school but very different and exuberant around my close friends. I did push myself out of my “shell” somewhat when I got to college, and with age and experiences, I’ve gotten better at voicing how I feel and my opinions around others — as I’m sure you will both find as well. So many times in the past, and still now, I have all these thoughts in my head but get frustrated that I won’t be able to spit them out in a way that people would find it interesting–so instead I am more quiet. In the past I’ve called myself a “late bloomer” but now realize it was just another part of my INFJ self. I could never casually date, I knew if I was with someone it would be a deep relationship, which is more meaningful. You will both find someone that will appreciate you for your layers and see the real you, since it takes time to get to know an INFJ.
I’m now with a great guy (my 3rd boyfriend and the one I will marry). I think he’s an ESTJ (it doesn’t really matter), but it’s such a great balance to be with someone who’s more extraverted and task-oriented, unlike me, the dreamer who’s always uncomfortable first meeting new people and overanalyzing. In the end it comes down to values, trust, commitment, caring, etc — so just be yourself, you’ll date when you’re ready, and it’s ok to be single! I’ve got friends who were already married and now are divorced — believe me, you’d rather be single than sorry
I agree with what the others here posted. It’s totally okay to take your time, I think saving your feelings for someone who truly wants to love you and care for you is way better than going through relationships that end up hurting you. And I can totally relate to how you could be all quiet in one place and then be so random in another. I won’t open up right away to strangers I’d rather take my time in figuring them out first, but with my close friends there are times when I would start dancing in the street or singing along to a song I really like, I just feel like letting it all out sometimes! LOL, it makes some of my friends think I’m “weird” or “crazy”. Point is if you can find that middle ground then cool, but if you can’t you don’t have to, I never saw the point in being like everyone else, be yourself, we are INFJ’s it’s in us to not make sense even to ourselves sometimes and we do love deeply when a person earns our trust :]
One more thing, just because we are INFJ’s doesn’t mean we are ‘exactly’ alike, we all still have our different personalities, it’s just our functions are the same and as you can see on this website we can all relate to each other.
Ana,
I’m a 27 year old INFJ female, and you sound just like me when I was your age. Even today, I still exude many of those traits. It takes time to find someone who fits into our mold enough for us to let close enough to date. I found that dating when I was that young just impossible. I pushed away any possible suitors because of this or that, and ended up feeling very lonely. My friends never understood because they saw me as a sweet, outgoing person, but they didn’t realize that was just with them. I didn’t go on my first date til I was 20, almost 21, and looking back, I realize that was for the best. Being INFJ in high school is miserable enough, and trying to add dating into that is hard. Be patient when looking to date, it’ll come along. I think as INFJ’s we think too much and try to analyze the dating pool when we need to stop thinking so much for ourselves, and start just letting things happen. I know, impossible as it may seem, I’ve been able to do this a bit, and I think it has helped a lot. Be patient with dating, high school sweethearts aren’t all they are made out to be. I think as INFJ’s, we don’t grow into our romantic selves until later in life. I’ve just recently began to truly understand what I really need and want, and how I need to be to get the successful relationship.
Ana,
I’m a 27 year old INFJ female, and you sound just like me when I was your age. Even today, I still exude many of those traits. It takes time to find someone who fits into our mold enough for us to let close enough to date. I found that dating when I was that young just impossible. I pushed away any possible suitors because of this or that, and ended up feeling very lonely. My friends never understood because they saw me as a sweet, outgoing person, but they didn\’t realize that was just with them. I didn\’t go on my first date til I was 20, almost 21, and looking back, I realize that was for the best. Being INFJ in high school is miserable enough, and trying to add dating into that is hard. Be patient when looking to date, it\’ll come along. I think as INFJ\’s we think too much and try to analyze the dating pool when we need to stop thinking so much for ourselves, and start just letting things happen. I know, impossible as it may seem, I\’ve been able to do this a bit, and I think it has helped a lot. Be patient with dating, high school sweethearts aren\’t all they are made out to be. I think as INFJ\’s, we don\’t grow into our romantic selves until later in life. I\’ve just recently began to truly understand what I really need and want, and how I need to be to get the successful relationship.
Hi Ana and K,
Do not worry you are not alone. Based on my own experience and from others experience as written on this blog, It is common for INFJ people not dating someone during high school/college or early teens. I had similar experience with you also. I never dated before I was 20. I am 22 now and have been dating my first love for almost 3 years.
Sometimes i feel alienated and detached from my peers as most of them have boyrfriends/girlfriends or at least they have dated someone. They always talked about their bf/gf or have dating together. However, as time goes by I beleive that eventually you will find someone who suits you. My family and friends always said that I was too picky (having too many criteria for boys I want to go out with) so that I have never dated anyone in high school. The problem is we are not being too picky, however as an INFJ we always think complexly including thinking about the future and our ideal of strong and long-term relationship. We Also always expect and set high standard including to our partner as we want a long-life relationship and it is not easy for INFJ to be close with everyone esp for somene very personal.Thats why we will not date someone unless we are very sure that he/she is the right person to spend our life with. I guess in your case is similar Ana. I always had feelings that I was not as attractive as other girl friends thats why i did not have boyfriend while in high school. Guess what, there always be someone who may have crush on you/interested with you but you may not realise it.
Trust your fate and give some time, you will find the right guy and once you and him fall for each other, you may make other friends jealous. Eventhough your friends may have more ex-s or dating someone much earlier than you,it does not mean they have a high quality and meaningngful relationship. It can end up you get married earlier than your friends who had several exes or in longer relationship. In my case many friends are jealous with me and my bf because they can see that we genuienly and passionately love and stand for support each other anytime anywhere. Even we already thinking about getting married.
I guess as INFJ, once we find the right person we will devout ourselves to them and ensure that it is a serious, commited and life-long relationship. Also as many of us date someone at a stage in life when we are already mature,we view and treat our relationship differently from our friends who fall in love in such a young age. We take care, protect, nurture, support our love not just for having fun like what others do. So dont worry. Not dating someone in erly teens is not always a bad experience. Dating someone later in life when we are mature and independent is not always bad. What is important is to find and fall in love with someone who you can trust, rely and spend your lifetime with. There is no guarantee that it will be easy to finding someone with such characteristics. However, it will be worth it and promising to find such a geniune loving caring partner which makes your heart blossoms and fill your days with smiles (sometimes tears in case we fight, which is normal in relationship). What matters is quality (traits, personalities) not the quantity (number) of people/person we date. quality will give us more meanings and values than just numbers.
I’m gratified to find that there is people out there kinda like me. I’m going through this little depressional stage in my life and I some-what locked myself from the outside world wondering what’s wrong with me. I think the problem was more towards not being able to connect with anybody, a sense of lost identity and not understanding my own thinking process. Taking the personality test and finding out that I’m an INFJ (not really finding out, but more or so clarifying) is one of the most helpful things that are going to get me out of this slump.
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ps getting a tat of INFJ haha.
INFJ tattoo, that’s awesome. Is it just me, but do you think we are the personality type that WOULD spend time searching their own type and reading all about it, write about it….after all it’s easier for us to write about our feelings that speak them.
Researching my own personality and learning and realizing all my ins and outs is just about my favorite thing to do. Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could make it a paying career!
I think you are right
in all fairness we do tend to be psychologists and such or at least want to know about it.
So yeah, I’m also one of you wonderfully complex and paradoxical beings. INFJ’s are cool
After reading all of your comments, I feel less alone in the world and oddly, more human- I feel more connected with myself and the world. I feel more accepting and comfortable with myself. This is only grasping how I feel as its easier for me to get my thoughts across through writing but I notice that I can never truly express how I feel through writing. It’s sort of like I have to protect and hide a part of me, always.
Any who, my name is Nicole and I’m 15. I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me, you know? I would spend hours researching personality disorders because I wasn’t like anyone else I knew, not that I wanted to be, I just wanted to understand me. I thought (and still kind of do think) that I’m insane. Just in the way I would look to deeply into everything, stuff others usually overlook, so much so that I freak myself out and become less interested in life. I’d be way intense and serious one minute and hyper and almost totally carefree the next. It confused me as to who I was and to say the least I confused other people too and they rejected me for my opinionated and independent attitude. I always try to be honest, even if it means siding against a friend but how can they really be a friend if they expect you to change who you are and how you think for their own preferences?
Anyway, I’m moving away from my point, if I have one.
I don’t honestly know why I’m spewing all of my feeling out to a bunch of random strangers (don’t take that as offensive okay, it’s not intended to be). I guess I just want to share and I feel like I can trust you all. I feel connected to you guys in some way.
Do any of you guys notice that you’re really manipulative? I don’t know if it’s just me. I manipulate people a lot or just, not exactly change my personality but show different parts of me to different types of people depending on their own personality or I just close off. It kind of makes me feel like I’m being fake.
And do you feel like your personality is split into different people? it’s hard for me to explain. I don’t have split personality disorder (I’ve checked). It’s like I have one persona and different ‘mini persona’s’ that make it up. I gave them names, which I guess doesn’t help my case on my mental stability. Skye is the pessimistic side of me. Xyla is the optimist who sort of counsel’s me out of my dark moments (I’ve had on/off depression for almost six years now and yeah, it is what you think, I do talk to myself). and then there’s YASYAM (stands for ‘young and silly yet adorable mess’) who I describe as the childish, hyper and fun side of me.
I seriously don’t know why I writing so much crap but I don’t wan to edit myself like I usually do.
I know INFJ’s are rare but I suspect that this girl I know, she’s like my best friend but we’re so alike that I see her as my soul mate, (don’t make the assumption that I’m a lesbian, I just feel strongly for those I trust) who I love with all my heart. I think she’s one too. It would explain why we understand each other so completely and can communicate without words so effortlessly as well as being just totally comfortable in each other’s presence without the need for conversation. (I hate people who feel a need to talk ALL of the time). But even though we’re similar and I trust, it still took me four years to completely open up and show her every part of my persona. Don’t know why I brought her up but if she is an INFJ, I’d advise you all to find and become friends with one of them. To have someone who completely gets how you think and has total understanding is simply extraordinary. I’ll make her do a test sometime.
I actually did have a purpose for this comment but I forgot what it was so I decided to just let out my current thoughts. I don’t know how I could have, but I hoped I’ve helped anyone of you.
I’m still curious as to why most of you seem to be 20+.
Wow, I wrote a lot. I love any person who spent precious minutes of their life reading my crazy rambles, seriously I love you.
I wish peace, love and harmony to you all (INFJ or not).
And if any of you ever want to discuss anything with me, I’m here (ignore my age, I think I could be helpful, plus, I get a kick out of helping people) (coley_star@hotmail.co.uk)
I can identify with what you wrote.
“I manipulate people a lot or just, not exactly change my personality but show different parts of me to different types of people depending on their own personality or I just close off. It kind of makes me feel like I’m being fake.” What you said really resonated with me as that’s something I do as well. Oftentimes, I question the authenticity of my identity.
“And do you feel like your personality is split into different people?”
YESS haha. I have this optimistic, bubbly, child-like side of me and this introverted, cynical side of me as well. They seem to conflict with one another, yet both sides also protect one another.
I totally get what you mean, especially by ‘They seem to conflict with one another, yet both sides also protect one another’. It’s sort of like they help you with social situations as well but it just confuses people as to who I am.
You know, I felt really uncomfortable for a few weeks after posting that. I don’t usually let people know that much about me, it’s like the more the know, the easier it will be for them to hurt you, like they have a sort of power over you.
How are you in relationships? There’s this guy I really like, you could describe us a friends who have a mutual interest in each other but neither of us has pushed it to be more than that. I’d like to have something more but I feel like I need to cling to being just friends as a sort of protection for myself. I really have issues with trusting people and opening up. But anyway, how are you in relationships?
I think most of us can identify with what you wrote here. I’d like to mention something to you that as we grow older we mature more (personality wise), as in our personalities have some growing to do as well. How you feel as an INFJ now will change a little as you get older but remember that INFJ’s are one of the types that mature faster than other types. I do hope I’m not confusing you or anything. Oh and I am 19, not all of us here are 20+
. I don’t think you have some sort of disorder though you’re just a young person discovering herself and in time things will make more sense so don’t worry about it and just be you 
As for relationships, we love deep! I’ve read on lots of websites that ENTPs are ideal for INFJs, and I think it’s true cause I happen to be dating an ENTP. But that doesn’t mean we should limit ourselves to ENTPs! You can be with whoever you want and if it works it just does! I mean I think I’d still be as in love with my boyfriend if he was a starfish or something
Anyways if you like that guy you mentioned maybe you could try and see if he likes you, I can understand you don’t want to say something and find out he doesn’t feel that way, sometimes you have to take a little risk though. I know that you wouldn’t want to risk it cause you value the friendship so much and would hate to lose it. But try discussing it with him maybe and see if you guys could become something more, maybe he has your fears too?
I think I’ve changed a lot since I wrote that, even though it wasn’t that long long ago.
When I said that, I knew he liked me, he told me several times that he loved me but I just didn’t see how because I didn’t think I could be loved (was sort of depressed then). And I was scared. I didn’t want to be vulnerable and I didn’t want to get hurt. I went for it, admitted I loved him too. It’s been good. I totally understand the depth of how much we can love. Each day it’s like he’s becoming more intertwined with my soul. I know I wouldn’t be able to deal with it if we broke up but I believe him when he says that he wants me in his future.
You know, we’ve only been together for a month now but I feel so close to him. I can’t understand how I can love someone so much and need them so much in just this short amount of time.
I’ve read that too, about ENTP’s but I became obsessive with trying to find my ‘perfect match’ (before him). Once we were together I decided that I didn’t want to know his personality type. I didn’t want to over analyse him like I do with everything else in my life. The only thing I allowed myself was the fact that he’s an extrovert.
I always used to think that I needed someone who was just like me (INFJ) but I also think that that wouldn’t be good for me too. My boyfriend, he’s so different to me but the same- he understands me. I like that he’s not exactly like me. He makes me happy and I like that I use my Se a lot when I’m with him. I like that it makes me live life more and actually do the spontaneous things I think about but never actually do.
You’re not confusing me, I understand that we mature faster because I see it with my friends at school, I sometimes feel like their carer.
Anyway, thanks for your help, I really appreciate it. And as for the disorder thing, I think he’s helping me find myself. Anyway, thank you
Hello-INFJ here! I fully embody every single trait described here, with the exception of one: I am no stranger to casual sexual relations. Possibly because I am so closed off and simultaneously sexually voracious, I can easily do things with a person and feel absolutely nothing and be ok with that if it’s satisfying my needs. Maybe I’m just the weird exception, but I’m telling you–truly unattached sex. I have it. It’s a wonderful thing if you can actually do it!
I’m with you there. To me love transcends the physical. I have no problems keeping my emotions separate.
Female here. I don’t agree with the sex thing either, but there is some truth to it. I wouldn’t mind a casual sexual relationship with someone I don’t really care for. I merely need to be attracted to that person. I would actually prefer that it’s casual.
But if I have strong feelings for someone, casual sex would be difficult. I could become too attached, amd what if the relationship is hopeless?
FEAR
<3
Hi,
I am a 33 female INFJ, and also no stranger to casual sex. I believe the reason I am able to do this is because to me, it has a purpose. I not only get the appreciation I desire, but to me, it is also a test to find out if that person is worthy of me giving more of myself to them. I believe you can tell a lot about a person on how they perform in bed. Do they do their best to pleasure you, are they gentle and caring, or are they all about themselfs? Although, I have had sexual encounters without any of these thoughts. We INFJ types are spiritual creatures, and I also look at sex as a spiritual encounter. I get so caught up in the person I am with, and intimacy helps fulfill the emptiness I sometimes feel from the lack of sharing my innerself with others. My lovers tell me that I am one of the, if not the most, sensual person the have ever met. I think us INFJs make the best lovers in the world, because of our ability to empathize, we know people, and we can sense what our lover needs and wants.
I’m an INFJ (: I’m a 19 year old girl, I liked this post it was pretty accurate about a lot of things. The best thing about reading the comments was realising how not all INFJs are that similar. I noticed certain people disagreed with certain things like the vengeance issue, but for me It’s usually hard to piss me off but IF I do get really mad or hurt and depending on the situation I can be a little over the top. However, most times I prefer to look calm and cold even if I might be boiling up on the inside just because I noticed people get more agitated when they are yelling at you and you just stare at them. And I think that just shows that even though our (us INFJs) functions are the same we are still different individuals and everyone is bound to act a bit differently. I’m dating and ENTP right now and I realised that the two major long-term relationships I’ve had were with an ENFP and another ENTP. But of course I don’t think relationships should be limited to a few certain types, sometimes things just work out and they don’t have to be an ENTP or ENFP. In the end we are the rarest type and I don’t think it should necessarily be a bad thing, but it was so good to hear the input of other INFjs and see how many of them feel the way I do.
i’m another fellow INFJ, and reading through the “dating bible” and the thread of comments has been incrementally helpful in understanding myself and my disposition. i’ve always struggled with building and bridging relationships. i’m only nineteen years old and have previously had two relationships, but what i’ve come to realize from my past experiences was that when i am in a relationship, i become so enveloped in this space that it’s sometimes uncomfortable and disconcerting. it’s extremely difficult for me to trust people, and the idea of having someone know everything about me makes me very uncomfortable. YET, this is exactly what i strive for in a deep, meaningful relationship–someone who i wholeheartedly trust and feel comfortable sharing multiple facets of my life and experiences. moreover, when i am in a relationship, all my emotions are starkly heightened, much more than when i’m single. i get extremely upset when my partner omits a certain detail, forgets an important date, and sometimes extremes such as using an incorrect word choice. when my partner is upset, i usually end up in tears along with him. i’ve also noticed that when i am in relationships, i spend much more time talking through text-based mediums (i.e. texting, instant messaging, writing letters, etc). i feel much more articulate and understood when i type things out, and, most importantly, i feel that what i am trying to communicate holds more clarity through a text-based medium. it really bothers me when people are not good listeners, particularly when they initiate conversation. when i have conversations with people, there are times when i feel cheated, almost bereft, when i share an intimate detail about myself and i feel they aren’t understanding what i’m saying to its fullest potential. i sometimes hate that i’m so hypercritical and hypersensitive to my surroundings, especially when it comes to dating. i have tried casual encounters, but often it just leaves me much emptier than i was before (and oh the self-loathing that comes along with it). anyways, thank you so much for this article. it was a pleasure reading it and hopefully some of you may find my response helpful but most importantly relatable.
wow so accurate. Can totally relate to every word here.
I’m an INFJ and thank you for writing this, because I now feel less like an insane person realizing I’m not the only one who feels these things.
yeah, i agree with it alot. sometimes i feel that we are not INFJ maybe we are some sort of different creatures. i also agree with the sex part. usuay i have had people tell me how come i am still a virgin or what am i waiting for. my best respond is, i want to have that with someone i deeply love not a stranger
INFJ here. I have to agree with everything but the sex part. I have embraced the fact that my body has biological needs that will not go away, and suppressing them will only cause me discomfort. So, while I do agree that I strongly prefer tantric style sex I cannot completely embrace the stereotype of INFJ sexuality.
The vegeance part is completely true. I have only had to unleash it once in my life to defend my sister but it was some of the most insightful and hurtful comments I have ever made to someone. But it was effective and it made my sister so happy when I did it and I dont regret it.
I’m an INFJ and cannot relate to the vengeance stuff at all.
Vengeance makes me really uncomfortable as well. I don’t relate to it at all. I guess it’d be like things happen for a reason…how can I be sooo angry about something I have NO control over. Even though thinking about the situation would affect me. It’s kind of beneath me I guess you’d say. I think people in general should be better than some vengence seeking primal animal….
I understand the vengeance, but a year ago I didn’t. I always knew I had the ability to completely devastate someone, but I never thought I would be pushed to that point.
Then my wife left me and I got depressed. I did everything I could to save the marriage, but she kept stonewalling me. She even mocked and belittled me for being so emotional.
Then I found out for a fact that she was having an affair (That wasn’t what caused me to go off. I pretty much knew she was doing that, and I was willing to forgive her if she would tell me the truth and end it. I just put it here for perspective.) and something else much, much worse. Something that was quite literally unfathomable to me until I heard it.
I snapped on what felt like, as you say, a primal level. I completely crushed her emotionally. I exposed some of her weaknesses that I don’t think she even knew about. She had a deer-in-the-headlights look on her face . . . she saw a side of me she didn’t know I had after almost a decade. Prior to that night she kept saying that I didn’t know who she really was; afterwards she quit saying that and replaced it with she didn’t know who I really was. The confrontation was bad enough and so one-sided that she didn’t agree to see me again for two months. We kept in contact during that time though, and I caused a total (I think) of three complete emotional breakdowns.
While I am not proud to have done that to her, I am very proud to have stood up for myself and my family. I think I could only completely lose it like that again when protecting those I care about the most.
same here…i keep my anger to myself and I just pretty much enact any vengeance…in my head….
It is probably a good thing if you don’t relate. It likely means that no one has pushed you over your threshold (remember, we are long suffering). I certainly can relate though, like everything else on here. I will bare things for a long time, but once I crack, you are going down. I had a boss I didn’t like, but tried my best to get along with. After enduring him for 3 years, he crossed the line. He thought he was going to “put me in my place” once again, but just that little bit more aggressively than I would stand for. I went over his head, loaded for bear, and he went home for a week – nearly fired. I just went back to what I was doing before he interrupted me. Also, I was completely trusting in my first marriage, until the point I could no longer be blind to what was going on. I burned that relationship to the ground in about 2 weeks – not by being a jerk, but by orchestrating a situation where I could catch her in multiple lies simultaneously with no ability to lie her way out of them. Lastly, I’m nearing 40 and have never been in a bar fight or any pointless physical conflict (outside of a class with pads), but if anyone ever forces me, they better not be just looking to “redneck box” as my karate teacher called it. If I am forced to that point, I will be looking to kill or maim with my first move. I don’t play.
Thanks for the good article. I’ve read it in the past and just stopped by to read it again. I’ve been going through a spell of depression and anxiety, as we are so susceptible, and am getting myself re-centered. I love how long all these responses are. You can tell we are odd ducks. Can anyone else here send a 1 screen text message? Unless I edit the heck out of it, mine are constantly 2,3 even 4 pages long. Ha!
As we internalize and worry about everything, this post from a little bit ago is bothering me that it sounded a little bit violent, but then I was talking about vengeance. I would just like to point out that the Japanese name given to me by my teacher was Yuki (happiness) because the harder he pushed me, the bigger I smiled. It’s a unisex name and was the name of his mother, so I must actually be a pretty good guy and not some brute.
WVINFJ, I too am an INFJ. I can actually send 1-screen text messages, depending on the topic. If it’s just working out plans to get together with one of my 3 close friends, yes, a 1-screen text is possible. Otherwise, the text likely will be longer, particularly if it involves venting between me and my closest friend.
What a great post! I’m not an INFJ but fell in love with one of them! At first I was thinking he is such an ordinary guy… he said himself that he was thinking he was boring for girls! But that’s far far away from truth! They have a wonderful world inside! They just don’t show it to everyone at first! And the wonderful thing about them is that you never get bored of exploring their souls and dreams and “unique” ideas!
Um, one thing you wrote about love made me puzzled! What it means exactly? “INFJs are more “for the cause”, not free-love.”? Could you please explain more? I was thinking love is something so ultimate and sacred for them. My Infj told me he fell in love with me after years of being alone and because of his past relationship he was thinking he should be alone forever. And he had dug his dreams about love somewhere really deep! Uh… complex INFJs, Where love stands for you?!
Oh, and I’m an INFP! I take care of his hypersensitive heart and his need for being understood. He says he is happy my behavior reminds him of not taking life that serious, but I think this is the soft spot of being in a relationship with INFJs unless you are a steady one like them. They hate sailing close to the wind and constant change makes them feel insecure. I’m sure one day I will get on his nerves for being so unorganized! :p on the other hand, sometimes his strong need for keeping everything safe and under control and up to his standards makes me feel he is not that flexible! I think INFJs have a fixed manual for their relationships and friendships and when they see someone new, they hopelessly try to match that person with their expectations! And because their standards are rather high, rarely someone meets their ideals!!! And the thing is they don’t keep searching for finding that special person, they just analyze those people who start talking with them! Oh and they don’t even show this handbook to anyone! you have to find out about every rule yourself!
I just love them! I’m glad they know what they want!
I wish INFJs were less reserved. Personally I like it cause it makes me excited when somebody instead of explaining himself gives me a chance to know him myself. But I’m afraid this trait of “being close at first” makes most of them end up alone or stuck in a bad relationship! It’s a huge waste of humankind if they end up alone! :p it’s really sad if nobody explores that beautiful world of them!
And most of them are awfully smart and kind and so forgiving about their dear ones! sometimes too forgiving I guess! and they want a companion as strong as them!
I got some answers and comfort from reading these information. Thanks a lot.
If you find an INJF to be judgmental and condescending it is probably because you don’t fully understand them. What you need to understand about us is that we have the ability to appear different then we really are. I find it true for myself that sometimes I purposely will make it appear that I don’t care about something but will go behind the scenes and help out more than anyone. Why I do this I really have no idea. Maybe I’m secretly hoping it will show who really pays attention and can see who I really am. Maybe I’m afraid of to much expectation and just eliminate any. I’m a firm believer in actions speak louder than words, and my words may not always tell you I love you but my actions will! I guess what I’m saying is if you want to get to understand an INFJ more watch what they do more than what they say. Though we love honesty we are good at hiding ourselves but because of a strong need to be true to our convictions can be read better through our actions.
The post is such a relief! Finally, I know their are others like me out there. Being an INFJ is a special gift, though at times I wish I could be more care free, I wouldn’t trade being able to understand people the way I can for anything! Though I wish I could understand myself a little better! Thanks for all your comments! They’re encouraging!
any other INFJ’s find yourselves screaming and jumping up and down on the inside after reading about INFJ’s and realizing how many layers of awesome there are to us; this elite group of us?! yes, i feel we are elite. I feel like INFJ’s are the underdogs of the world, and now that I seem to have a better understanding of myself and so many “but why?’s” have been answered, I feel more comfortable in my skin than ever before. It’s a long road for us but if we can appreciate what we are and recognize the beautiful natural qualities that make us special, I think we can all have an amazing journey unlike anything else.
I enjoyed this post, thanks! I was able to relax my skeptical muscles a little bit when I read, “(as most people do, of course).” (You know what I’m talking about!) As a male INFJ I identified with every point, moderately or strongly. And I disagree with many other websites’ descriptions, so I don’t mean it lightly.
INFJ/Female/27yo/South Africa
In the last few days I’ve done 6 personality tests, with 5 saying INFJ was my most likely and 1 saying it was my 2nd most likely after INFP.
It’s been an eye-opener. It was eerie reading the personality profiles after so long a time spent unable to describe the sum total of my parts. Everything from the idealism, the fantasy life, the forward thinking, the low energy, the KNOWING about people…
It’s been a whirlwind of online exploration. Thank you for the information and experience shared.
Sounds like we’ve been on the same journey in a sense. A little sad as I suppose I would have liked to believe that I was the only one like this, but comforting to know there are other’s (kinda) like me around, specially here in SA.
One thing I think they’ve missed is our insatiable curiosity about life.
Anyway, I’m rambling. I wish you a journey of understanding and a story with a happy ending.
W
I totally understand how you felt, I had that feeling when I first did the test and read up on INFJs. one thing I wanted to add was that INFJs can be misjudged as ENFjs, INFPs and some other few personality types by the MBTI test, like I had a test say I was ENFP and another say I was ENFJ. However, it is possible to be more than one type
INFJ is probably the dominant one but you may have some other type that you may feel like “yeah..that might be me.”
Reblogged this on My strange little world und kommentierte:
Some parts as well match to a friendship
I am a 50 year-old INFJ female and this describes me to a perfect “T” — So much has become clear to me – not theleast of which are my feelings of “difference” and my ability to communicate so much better in writing… This has impacted me on a very deep level. (And) to know that there are other people in the world who can not only fathom my personality but actually embrace it is LIBERATING.
Sorry about the typo.
hi all… i’ve just got the test… result is I am INFJ.. Generally i don’t like the idea of stereotyping people with a few questions… but the characteristics of INFJ fitted to my life unbelievably … so i am intrigued… i had started a short story blog a few months earlier… and the story there, called “sylvia” – based on my teenage year memories, seems to be a story of an INFJ… What do you think? ( note that the story includes a few slangs, so you are warned)
http://storiesfrombodrum.blogspot.com
This is such a warm and useful place. Thanks to everyone who has posted. I am not 100% certain about being an INFJ, I am thinking INFP is maybe equally likely. In any case, I have always felt as if no one wanted to know me. I am still surprised and shocked by the apparent lack of genuine interest that comes my way from other people. So often someone will ask a half-assed question and then very obviously tune out as I answer, even as I make the effort to bring my own interest and excitement to my response. Bah!
I read somewhere that INFJs feel closer to their loved ones when they are alone, and that is certainly true for me. My inner world is a very loving place where I frequently come to tears thinking of my parents, my siblings, and my closest friends. Oddly, it seems like those closest to me are often geographically removed. My dearest friend in existence is living in Bhutan right now. Often when I am with a loved one, there is a lot of surface noise and bullshit going on that interferes with the possibility of deep connection.
I practice acupuncture, but the techniques are really a cover for my inherent healing and harmonizing abilities. I wonder, would anyone would pay for my services if I didn’t have a license and a Master’s degree? Had I not gone to school, I would likely not have learned to acknowledge so clearly my gift for listening to and healing other people. In any case, I’m learning now (at 29) to recognize and own my skills, though they are the softest of the soft and involve no frenzied activity or material production.
Thanks for listening everyone, and for being here. Many safe returns.
I’m a twenty-something INFJ female and the reason I got to this website is because I was looking for something, anything, to explain my personality. Especially, after reading that only 1-3% of the total population are INFJs, I wanted to know how people like us function. I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 4 years now, and I need to know if I’m being crazy or if I make sense. My boyfriend is easygoing, trustworthy and very likeable. Sometimes, I feel that he’s actually too nice. However, I sometimes wonder how it would be like to be with someone else–someone who understands me more, or someone who would draw me out. Because as nice as he is, I don’t feel that he’s exerted effort to really know me–he’s just happy-go-lucky, I think I’ve only seen him depressed or sad twice. I sometimes wish I could be less complex as he is, just to make things easier for both of us. Sometimes, I feel guilty if I would bring up something that bothers me because I feel that it ruins the good mood that we’re enjoying at that moment. So, I tried keeping it to myself, but then I would have these daydreams of a lover or a best friend who really understands me, someone who I can be honest with and it won’t ruin the moment, because he will understand me–layers and all.
I’ve never told this to anyone and it feels really good to be able to release it. I need your thoughts–am I a bad person for feeling this way about my boyfriend? It did cross my mind that maybe I just have to deal with this feeling of not being able to communicate well with him, since he’s nice and we get along well. I’m not even sure if I made sense but since you’re INFJs, I have a feeling, you get exactly what I mean.
Personally I know exactly what you mean. I think different people and personality types have different definitions of what a good relationship is. For a lot of people, the connection is everything, even if it means drama, and more ups and downs than what would normally be there.
I also know what you mean about ruining a good mood… I think INFJs can get intensely serious about certain things that make other people nervous. It’s a balance, but in the end, there are some things that just need to be dealt with.
As for myself, I find myself instinctively attracted to people who have experienced a lot, good, bad, all of it. I think it’s because something inside me believes that only they could have the depth of character to understand what it’s like to be me. Maybe I’m wrong – at the same time, I believe that happy-go-lucky people have just as much ability to know me, but because they seem more bulletproof in life, I just don’t notice it as much.
Communication is hard for me, but with some people it isn’t… you’re not a bad person. You know you’re not a bad person. I don’t really want to give too much advice because I really don’t have much information on your situation to work with. I guess all I can say is to do what feels right.
That first line was awesome to read: “Personally, I know exactly what you mean.” Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts. Just knowing that someone understood my rather rambling post already lifts a heavy load off my chest.
My boyfriend just took the test and got ISFJ. After I post this comment, I’m reading the ISFJ profile. I won’t lie, I’m hoping it’s somehow compatible with mine!
As an INFJ in her mid-20s myself, in the midst of figuring out life and love, I have found that the most vital thing we can do is to explore our own insecurities and find out where they came from. Often this can start with noticing what irks you about your partner, because more often than not, those feelings are a reflection of how you feel about the same qualities in yourself. As an INFJ, we have an unparalleled ability to “go down the rabbit hole” and figure out how we tick, which gives us compassion and empathy when dealing with others. In doing this, you will find newfound respect and love for your partner, along with all the other people in your close circle!
Wow thanks a lot. That comment about checking where my insecurities come from made a lot of sense. That’s exactly what I’ll set out to do. Self-introspection. I (we) pretty much excel at it haha, but yeah, I failed to address some irks towards other people as actually some sort of reflection of my insecurities. Thanks, I appreciate the comment!
Wow guys this website is great. I am in my 20′s (not saying my real age) and have always wondered if I was really different, or if everyone felt this way. Turns out I am in a pretty exlusive group as an INFJ. The problem with relationships is that we see so deep into our partner, we kind of spoil it. Because were so hypersensitive to body language, and emotions, we see more than we can comprehend. I personally have spent months trying to figure out how my girlfriend ticks and it amazes me how accurate i am. I don’t think that there is a greater gift than being able to do the same thing with ourselves. The depth that we get out of things is very hard to explain, especially since these moments of clarity are usually fleeting. Only an INFJ can understand and relate to that feeling. You want to talk to someone about it but you know that its a waste of time and it drives you nuts trying to give them that clarity. I also spend alot of time sad or wound up because I want to be in these cool groups or “clicks” but to do that, I have to practically stalk them . I am aware of my ability to mask my true character and take on another personality. This works to my advantage, but its also isnt me! If anyone knows what I’m talking about please respond. Thanks
This may be a late reply, but I know exactly what you mean…I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and I am also a 20-something INFJ female. It’ll get better as long as you see he’s making an effort to understand you as a person. If he really does care about you, he should take an interest into what you are feeling and what you have to say. I’d say just open up to him and don’t feel bad. I’ve always wondered if I could find someone better, but so far, I am happy with my current man. He may not be perfect, but neither am I. I’ve learned to accept that.
In conclusion, being in a relationship is not only about the good times. Just be honest with your guy because wouldn’t you want the same from him? I’m sure he’d understand. Good luck.
I am also a twenty- something INFJ Female, and your boyfriend sounds a lot like my sister, whom I happen to be very close to. She is very nice and loves making others happy. I can talk to her but I don’t feel she really understands me as much as she could if she paid more attention. I hate bringing up something that would sadden her because it seems to really dampen her spirit but she can be understanding when I do. I don’t know if this sounds similar to your boyfriend at all but I don’t think you are a bad person for your feelings. Personally as an INFJ myself I think we have a need to be understood by our significant other because we have so often felt misunderstood. But perhaps He may understand you more with time?
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I’m an enfp female…anyone think an infj or intj would be a good type match?
ENFPs and ENTPs are actually the natural mates of INFJs and INTJs!
I’m 24, and a male INFJ. I dated an ENTP girl for a year, and we had an amazing, unexplainable chemistry: we would always say to each other, jokingly but also seriously, “I love you, for some reason!” But in other times, it was taxing and sometimes hellish. In the end, it didn’t work out and we split up. I think for an INFJ to date an ENTP, one helpful quality is for the ENTP to have had experience taking care of someone other than him or herself–otherwise the effortless, blissfully carefree and independent attitude can just be too much–coming off as selfish and inconsiderate to the INFJ. I don’t blame her for being this way of course, but it was difficult to deal with, as someone who holds fairness and consideration paramount. Furthermore, I found in her case (and read often about ENTPs) that they are bent on being “right,” even if it takes rhetoric or (self-)deception: this I found unattractive to say the least. Anyway, I think ENFPs, due to their empathetic dimension as well as desire for harmony rather than competition, sound much more promising to an INFJ.
I’m 24, a male INFJ. My male friends are mostly INTJs (presumably because they’re more common than INFJs and “close enough” to me–I have never met another INFJ, male or female) but of the 3 to 5 people (that I haven’t dated) that I’d consider a “best friend,” there’s only one who I feel completely safe around: an ENFP. There’s something about him that I’ve always felt that he was watching out for me, would put my own safety before his, a kind of tacit loyalty–and I’ve always felt I’d do the same for him. Sometimes I think it’s unfortunate that we’re both heterosexual haha, because I don’t know another ENFP, and I would love to date an ENFP, given how easily trust and understanding comes with him. As for your perspective, I’m afraid that you may see the INFJ as a little too serious sometimes–given your love for fun and spontaneity–but for a long-term, positive, communicative, loving relationship, yes, I think an INFJ would work very, very well. (As for INTJs, I think they’d work well too, but with the same caveat as my other response below: I think immature Ts can appear selfish and inconsiderate to an F.)
Your writing from 11:15…..that one hit home for me. I am with someone who feels to me to be selfcentered and inconsiderate. His awesome amounts of knowledge that attracted me to him has become an obvious know it all syndrome. How does a person not understand people and emotions and feelings….? Relationships are more than a challange…sometimes being alone looks good!
I am an INFJ male and I think that would be the perfect match. I just got paired up with an ENFP in my science class and we hit it off really well. After the second class we decided to do our homework together however instead of doing the homework we ended up talking for about two hours. After our third class we went to get coffee, ended up talking for two hours, and then ended up going to the fair for another 5 hours. She has earned enough trust for me to let her in to areas of myself that I was hesitant to reveal but she still has to prove her worthiness before I let her in further. We have talked about what we look for in an ideal partner and almost everything we both said fits with the other person. Because she still has to prove herself I am not reading into this too much, that besides ENFPs are friendly and talkative to most people and whether or not she has genuine interest is something I am going to find out in time. But yes, for me, the people I love talking with the most are enfps and entps and they are the only types I can see myself with in the long run.
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thanks for writing this. as an INFJ, it is 100% accurate and helped me understand more about myself
Very interesting piece! (And very interesting comments.) Reading through the list, I found that I inherently understood almost every point on the list.
(Early-30s INFJ here (in an LTR with an extrovert/thinker/perceiver type).)
I think for me, a lot of my life was spent figuring out how to interact with everybody else. My interactions with the world didn’t always match up right with the way that everybody else seemed to be doing things. I was “the boy in his shell” so to speak. And people would tell me to come out of my shell. Which I wasn’t very good at, since I liked it in my shell just fine thank you, and didn’t see much reason to come out of it. The world, it seemed, was quite mad, sometimes.
Some of that was just my own limited perceptions of things. And some of it was cultural – advertising and so on tends to be geared towards wild, boisterous, crazy “fun.” The extrovert way of doing things is often presented as “better” – presumably because quiet contemplation doesn’t sell nearly as much *stuff.*
Nonetheless, I did become better at interacting with the outside world, in part because I made an effort to do so. I made a conscious choice, in fact. Being willing to go out on a limb and face rejection was tough, but I think I was better for it. But I also had to keep my head, I guess, so I didn’t get sucked down into something problematic. I deal with the world on its terms to a larger degree, but the core of who I am always stays the same, inside. I don’t know if I could have done that, when I was 17.
I still interact with people, and often, and I enjoy many of my interactions very much. I like most of my coworkers, and love my friends. Still, they only see parts of me. (Even after dating for over 4 years, mon amour still doesn’t see everything.) But I’m fine with this, because it’s my choice to share myself, or not. And I know that I’m different from most people that I meet, and I accept that. Although I do sometimes feel that need to save the broken people, I refuse to let myself be abused in the process. (That’s not good for me, and it’s not good for them.) I no longer wonder if I’m doing something “wrong,” because I’m not dating everything that crosses my path, sleeping with it immediately, or generally thrusting myself out into the world for everyone to see and touch. I enjoy my inner world of creativity and possibility; I don’t let it overwhelm my perception of reality, I just enjoy it for the wonderful thing that it is.
I love reading everyone’s comments. I am a thirty-something mom and have felt very similar to the way most of you do. I am an INFJ who was blessed to marry another INFJ. He is my one and only, and is the one I’ve ever even kissed. I never had a desire for casual anything…I used to wonder in college if something was wrong with me. I am very happy however and I am so glad I waited for my husband. I too feel misunderstood by a lot of people…there are parts of me my husband (of 13 years) doesn’t even know…not that I try to hide things…I just can’t share them…it just won’t come out. I often wondered if something happened to me in childhood to make me “close up” the deeper me or true feelings to people. I love people and I don’t mind sharing superficial things with people…even some deeper things, but I do feel I have “layers” that no knows except God and myself. I know people misunderstand who I am. That bothers me because I do feel judged…when they haven’t taken the time to get to know me. I am a very complex person.
I don’t struggle with life though. God made this way for a reason…He has a plan to use my “weirdness”…lol I love that fact.
It’s really terrific what you’ve done here
I think it’s really going to help others understand us even more, especially since sometimes we don’t even understand ourselves (well that’s the case for me anyway). I can honestly relate to this WHOLE post and so many comments left by fellow INFJs 
Stay strong everyone! We are queer but so special at heart. We just need to wait for the right person to come round and see it
I stubbled upon this page looking to percentage of left handed INFJ’s like myself. I read everything even down to people’s comments. I can agree with just about everything here. For years I had a real problem controlling my anger when someone did me wrong in the slightest. I can admit when someone makes me angry, I am a time bomb and bring out the worst I can dish out. On the other hand is you are good to me, I try to give twice as much back. I can be very compassionate to the people I care about, especially my partner. The second my partner does something really wrong to me I become disinterested.
Hi, everyone. I was reading through all the comments, and noticed how many of you are a few years younger than myself, and how you all seem to feel the same way I did through my teenage years. It’s strange for that historically ever-present feeling of disconnect and not feeling understood to have become so muted lately.
I am 20, going on 21. Probably an INFJ (I have a good understanding of MBTI, building on about 6 months of research so far). Felt misunderstood and different all my life– that is, until about halfway through last year or so. In the wake of yet another depression, I stumbled onto the INFJs forum on the internet and have since made it my home. Ever since I began talking to people as kind, sensitive and idealistic as myself, I have felt a lot less alone in this world. The last few years of teenagerdom, I struggled with drug addiction and depression. Why? No one in my physical, “real” life understood me. I couldn’t talk to anyone, I felt like I couldn’t express myself. I felt very, very alone. Everyone else in my RL was so focused on sensory experiences: parties, sex, drinking etc. etc. And I didn’t know what to do with that. It made me very depressed, as I’ve said.
Since I joined the forums, and starting talking to other INFs, my self-esteem has skyrocketed. I finally feel I have found my niche. I finally feel I belong. I finally have a safe place I can go to and just be me. I have also opened up to the idea that I deserve love, and that I can be loved. I’m a 4w5 in enneagram, so I’ve struggled with the feeling that no one will ever love me.
Life gets easier for us as it goes along. Don’t any of you give up on life, love or friendship. If you have no one you feel understands you in your real life, I invite you to seek out other INFJs, be it on the INFJ forum, or anywhere else. You’re not alone. All the best.
That’s great. Thanks so much for this.
I know I haven’t responded to everyone’s comments – but to those who have or will, thank you. A lot of excellent thoughts are up here, in fact the comments alone are worth just as much if not more than what I wrote.
It seems like a lot of INFJs go through this, perhaps the ones who fit the type very closely. Long periods of darkness, being trampled on, and being misunderstood.
I can only wish you the best of luck. No matter how unknown you feel, there are those who will appreciate you for you, and better yet, will understand you.
I’m really grateful for the comments on this article. In many ways it’s a comfort to hear that it makes sense to some people. Keep going strong, never stop fighting for yourself and what you believe in, and the world you want to make real.
Hmm. Interesting. As an INFJ with a lot of E traits (some of us score a bit on that one), I’ve found throughout life that people are vastly interesting but rarely take the time to think as deep as we do. Perhaps they find it a waste, too emotional or boring? I don’t know. I’ve always had quite a lot of friends, but most of those closes to me are very few. Perhaps it’s because I need so much “down time” and most people are extroverts and don’t quite get “down time”. I’ve often wondered about this, but it’s not really something that the vast majority would feel comfortable talking about. I get a lot of my “extrovert time” when I ride in groups when cycling, I can take perhaps a day of the week with that one; the rest of the week I really just need my own time cycling, painting or musing just to go over the events of the day and I have a tendency to sort through them, trying to see all sides of the drama, but yes, in the end it really does matter whether it fits in with my value system or not. I do admit that if I genuinely like someone or love them, I will tend to bend my value system to accommodate the other person. Not bending the value system for the majority of people does not entail being a hard nose or snob, it simply means that I accept you for you and I still remain true to myself. My agenda in not bending my value system does not mean that I do not respect you, it simply means that I respect and need to attain my own system. Most people find this almost like “if you’re not on my side, then you’re against me”. Simply isn’t true. I think that you should not be so hard on yourself. I dated a lot in high school (I am almost 50!) but never had sex until I got married. Not saying this was a good thing, not saying it was a bad thing either. It just was. It’s always been very hard for me to connect with another person of the opposite sex. The thing is that the opposite sex has a tendency to find me appealing. I get asked out a lot and almost find it uncomfortable because I am not feeling any sort of connection to the other person. Perhaps that is the intuitiveness on my part. I could never do the casual sex thing and I have no problem with that. There are times when it has passed my mind in some sort of envy but that is very fleeting. To me, it would be a total waste of my time. I did meet a guy that actually for the first time in my life totally took my breath away. There was just something and I was very much not even looking and there it came. Took a long time, but somehow it all feels just right. We’ll see. Give yourself time, afterall, would you not want to do it right? If I had listened to that little voice on my past mistakes, instead of trying to do what the other person wanted, just had listened to that little voice telling me something wasn’t right, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache in the long run. Always listen to that intuitiveness that we are ironically blessed with. Good luck.
I’m 19 years old, graduated high school 2 years ago, and am currently enrolled in a university some thousand miles from my hometown. I have never had a girlfriend, not really because I can’t “get” one but more because I’ve had a very hard time finding anyone that takes the time to know me. It drives me insane. Most of the time I feel like a book that can’t be read or something. A book that sits there on the shelf watching people, unable to speak and yet filled with words. It’s frustrating because I can usually read people’s subtleties with incredible accuracy, but to most people I think I’m perceived as a fly on the wall, or at least they don’t know me like I feel I know them. I’m only 19 but sometimes I lie awake thinking that this is how I’ll spend the rest of my days. I’ve only ever had one friend that I’ve trusted enough to show my innermost layer to, maybe two. I spent the VAST majority of my first 17 years quite alone, and quite content. I would play lacrosse against a brick wall behind my house for hours every day. Not because I like lacrosse (I know nothing about the sport, my dad just gave me a stick one day) but because I liked to think. I would invent my own little world where people would hear me and listen to me, I would think about the people I love and their problems, I would think about how different my life would be if more people would listen. No grass grows in that part of the yard anymore because I spent so much time pacing back and forth for so many years in my little dream world (this is no exaggeration). While I love that dream world, and it is always somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like I could have accomplished so much more in those years and that’s a shitty feeling. I’m sitting here looking at this paragraph I’ve just written wondering why I wrote it, why I want you to see it, and why I would ever think anybody would WANT to see it. I think it’s because I need to call on some fellow INFJs for help. I want to find my voice because I know it’s there. I’m not sure what I’m asking for specifically, but I know I’m asking, if that makes sense.
You have no idea how much emotion has been weaved within what you’ve written and how I connected to it. Even if it weren’t posted on an INFJ blog, it’s an absolute “kindred spirit” feeling that we all seem to exude.
I feel rather the same. I’m 17. Never had a boyfriend for the same reasons you’ve never had a partner yourself. No-one has ever been able to comprehend me, yet I feel like I know them so well and it never works out.
I’ve never really had a friend that
bothered to take the time to decode what can only be described as “the INFJ manual” and therefore, I’ve also never had any friendship last.
It’s the weirdest thing, isn’t it? Being caught up in a world of dreams where people understand you… I also look back with mixed feelings of adoration of this idealistic bliss that blurred my reality and contempt for the life I feel I never lived.
Don’t feel like no-one wants to see what you’ve written. I’m not sure what the INFJs here (myself included) can do to help you find that voice, but I know that it’s what our type is made for.
I cannot express how closely I related to your post. I myself am 18, a freshmen in college in New York. I had only ever dated one person in my life, but he wasn’t able to understand me, and didn’t put in the effort to really get to know me. I often sit in the park and watch people, interpreting them. Yet, at the same time I feel this sense of distance. I know I’m different; that I see the world and people through a different lens. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling of wanting someone to be able to do the same to me. I feel as if I’m continually on a search for the person thats able to understand me, and understand how I see the world. While people do seem to really like me, hardly any take the time to really get to know me. And I still feel the need to hide part of myself to even my closest friends. I feel safest and most comfortable when I’m by myself, often absorbed in a book (I’m and English major, mind you) and while I know I need that time to myself, and love it, I do often feel as if I’m missing out on meeting people… All in all, I’ve always felt as if I’ve seen the world through a glass, or perhaps invisible. Keenly aware of that is going on around me, while not really being TRULY known. As others have mentioned before, I just want to send this page out to everyone I know, maybe then they’ll understand.
Yes. Most excellent.
Hey I really like your post and feel that through a glass feeling too almost always. I’m kinda hoping maybe you would wanna have some light convo sometime because I’ve actually never met another infj and would really like to.
. Love you all infjs. Your all awsome and don’t let anger or depression ever get the best of you please. Just make a promise and you know you’ll keep it.
I’m mike btw
Here’s my email I use for public online… Tylercipp@hotmail.com. If this post becomes public anyone else can email me too and I will reply when I find the time. Lol I’m just laughing about how much I keep in secret from others right down to my email not being my given name lol. Better to be not hurt then cool right?
Colin I can completely understand you, I havent had a boyfriend since high school when I was 17 and Im 20 now and that only lasted literally two days. Then he broke up with me on the day I wasnt at school because I was sick, my closest friend who I now call my sister because of everything weve been through togeather got furious at him for breaking up with me just because I was shy. Everyone keeps trying to peer pressure me into getting a boyfriend, so far almost every guy Ive met has tryed doing something foolish like trying to impress me with there recklessness by telling me about how they beat someone up because the guy was drunk and attacked him. Every guys so far thats taken an interest in me has always tried speeding the relationship, like expecting me to imediately feel comfortable with someone holding my hand or even trying to kiss me, I STILL havent had my first ‘real’ kiss yet because Im still waiting for that special one. I feel really strange and a bit of an out cast when people go all gaga over seeing a shirtless guy, Im just not into bronze, Im more interested in brains and personality and opinions, or even just being in someones company. Problem is most people who want me to go on a date with them, I can sense they expect me to be social with them which isnt my strong point so things get awkward, Im waiting for someone that I can sit next to and whether we talk or not wont matter so long as we completely accept eachother and the way we are. I dont even know for sure why Im saying any of this but I think the point Im trying to make Colin is your not alone, you’ll never be alone, the emotion you put in that simple paragragh was only a small spark from a blazing fire in you. Your a lover not a fighter inless absolutely need be, thats why were called the protecters, you have so much love you want to drown someone in it. You have so much love your eager to give it to someone, thats why you posted that isnt it? You dont just want to be loved but more importantly you want to give your love to someone you believe deserves every ounce of it. Your not alone, so until the time you meet the one your looking for I just wish you more patience and good luck. Your never alone.
Thank you for posting this comment. I have always felt pressured to casually date in high school. No one actually ever said anything directly, but I always felt socially outcast whenever people would talk about their relationships, but then again I am no stranger to feeling socially outcast. I have never had a boyfriend or even been kissed. It is not like I haven’t been asked out, but I never had mutual interest in the guys who did ask. I always felt guilty turning them down, but I knew the alternative would be worse. I couldn’t date someone just out of pity or fear of being alone. I do not think I even have high standards on appearance, but more so on personality and compatibility . I just want to find somebody who I can confortably converse with and understands me (and accepts me for that). I do not do casual, and I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I think part of the reason is I feel that physical contact of any kind (even just holding hands) has deeper emotionally symbolic meaning. I am now beginning to realize my lack of “dating experience” is not such a bad thing after all. Also, I totally relate to the how guys try to impress you by being obnoxious. I figure if it’s meant to be, they shouldn’t have to try to impress you (and vice versa).
I couldn’t help but reply. I relate so much to our mutual pleading feeling. I’m 20, and I’m wrestling, very very hard right now.
I’ve, for a long while now, have felt like I keep something caged, buried, and gagged deep inside below the bedrock. And, this thing, it wants to roar. Instead, I keep it there, hidden, and I stare at it. I’m the painter and this thing is my portrait. I’ve created it, but I can’t touch it, feel it.
And, this inability to break through the 4th wall isn’t limited to my own self. I see everyone else’s portraits. The glass wall is always there. Sometimes I know and recognize I put it there, and sometimes I blame the world.
I would give anything for the thing I don’t know but am asking for.
George, this is beautiful and so accurate. Thank you for this image.
From what I understand about us INFJs is we gather the information (iN) and then express it with Fe. The only problem is that people judge us for expressing our emotions, especially if we are men. They label us as emo or weak or something else because we express our feelings. In romance when we like someone we can’t just come out and tell them we like them because it scares them away and we come off as the clingy type. So for a lot of situations we feel we have to repress that part of ourselves which is the cage you might be feeling.
George! You’re on your way to being a really great writer! I like to write poetry myself. Your words and use of imagery is a joy to read!!!!
Crazy how much this sounds like me. Especially making your own world up with the lacrosse. I know exactly where your coming from. So if it’s worth anything… you’re not alone.
Colin,
I too feel like a book sitting on a shelf just wishing somebody would care enough to open me up and read every single page slowly with fascination. I try to think of ways to make people understand me but it’s rare that I even find somebody worthy that I WANT to understand me yet I have that desire to find people I consider worthy of shedding my layers in front of. I think INFJ’s like you and I just need to communicate with one another in order to get a better understanding of ourselves and how we can find that inner voice and let it out appropriately. I’ve become much more content in my aloneness that can plague some INFJ’s to the point that I revel in it, and maybe you’re just not there yet. You’re not alone in this world though! Everything you said makes sense to me and I’m sure any INFJ that reads what you wrote will understand where you’re coming from as I did.
This is an old comment, but I wanted to reply to it anyway because it was so poignant and relatable to. You aren’t alone… if you want to find that voice, you have to leave your comfort zone. you have to leave that cozy space inside your head… when the things you believe about yourself are tested, the parts of you that are holding you back disappear and the parts of you that are strong grow even stronger. it’s going through this process, again and again, that causes an INFJ to find their true “selves”… and most importantly, how to express that self to others.
Wow, just stumbled upon this and its incredibly accurate. But this is what prompted me to start trying to figure my personality out: I’m trying to figure out how I can use all this info to start attracting more stable situations into my life– on both the love and career front. I love and thrive on change–and I attribute that to the INFJ thing, but I’d love to find my life partner and a career that provides a lucrative, steady wage, too. Anyone ? lol
You, sir, are a necessity. Never stop writing. I’m an INFJ myself, an INFJ who is struggling to an almost unbearable extent. You are one of the very few people I admire, and I don’t even really know you. What I do know, is that you understand what it’s like. You articulate things that I may not be able to no matter how hard I might try. I hope to make my way through life as well as you are.
go scott rossi!
oh wow, thank you so much for this article. this really really hit home to me. it’s like you clacked my brain right on the screen! i sat the whole time reading it with :O face on. i knew i wasn’t the only one, due to other INFJ friends, but this just makes me feel so much more sane and stable. thanks again!
Thanks for giving marvelous insight into the very core of the INFJ type preferences.
An INFJ myself, and in love with another woman (ESFP), I went through your text and reflected on our very different dispositions. Luckily, she’s been patient with me – an ESFP, think! – apparently realizing that there’s something really genuine to be awaited for from my side. I, for my part, start opening gradually up to her, since I see that there is more to it than meets the eye.
She’s in her thirties, myself in my early forties – I take it that it’s time for us both to develop our less preferred functions. Moreover, our shared feeling side – albeit in different directions – nuances some of the preferences that are more difficult to cope with mutually.
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Sorry to sound so negative, but why would someone want to date an INFJ? I am a classic female INFJ, and I’ve been abused a lot. I’m hoping someone can correct my skewed self-image because from my perspective, we sound like kind of a drag. Introverted, intense, strange, sensitive…I mean wouldn’t you rather date someone lighter? Please explain the attraction to INFJs. Thanks!
As an INFJ myself, it’s a little difficult for me to say why. I guess the best people to explain why would be non-INFJs to offer a different perspective. But from what I’ve seen of other INFJs I know, they’re mysterious, kind, considerate, and yes, sensitive, but sensitive people are great with other sensitive people. I think the challenge is to find them. I’ve had trouble finding a girl who is as sensitive to me as I am to her. I’ve actually had people feel guilty for dating me, which is odd.
I think in a way, we are a drag – to some people. It comes down to the person. An INFJ is also typically really loyal and upstanding. I think that’s great. But loyal and dependable to some is predictable and boring to others. I also think the intensity of the INFJ is scary to some people. The aforementioned can make certain people (the free-spirited types) feel trapped.
I’ve been treated well and treated badly in the past. The key is just to remember what good treatment is and forget and avoid bad treatment. Learn to protect yourself, you don’t have to save anyone. In fact if you don’t protect yourself you won’t be able to save anyone.
And yes, I personally do like ‘lightness’, but they can also be flaky, the shitty side of free-spirited. There are a million reasons why things don’t work out. Some want to replace a hole someone else left in their heart, don’t want to be alone, don’t want anything serious, get ‘distracted’ or bored easily, shouldn’t be with anyone, and so on.
Anyway, I hope you have good luck with things. Change happens for a reason, and everything good you know now entered your life through change. So even if things end, there’s good change out there. People will love you for who you are.
Think you could expand on the topic of “lightness” and “free-spirited”?. I am an INFJ and have always been a free spirit. That’s exactly what makes me so different at the core of things from alot of other folks. Being a free spirit also entails being independent and able to observe and take your own stand on things.
I suppose lightness and free-spirited have different meanings. What I meant was people who don’t take things too seriously. For an INFJ who tends to take certain things very seriously, someone who doesn’t is refreshing. But likewise, they can be unreliable. To you it may mean something different. Lightness and free-spirited maybe means independence of thought and opinion for you.
You mention “saving” people – I know that is what I have thought I could do and I have certainly made some mistakes with that. I don’t even think I consciously realised my own intent. I can see in hindsight why it was wrong. The person also had me on a pedestal – ironically the very things that drew him to me ended up being the ones he complained most about!
I have the constant yearning to be understood and accepted for who I am – just wanting someone to ask me how I am, what I feel or what I think. The absence of this leaves me feeling bereft quite a lot. It always seems to be me doing the asking and supporting but when I need the help, it isn’t there. I don’t provide support for others because I expect something back. I just do it because I’ve always done it and it is instinctive. I don’t realise that it is not that way for everyone.
At the times I’ve opened up to others and shown the need, they haven’t known what to do with it. One person pretty much ran for his life (and I haven’t spoken to him since). Others have tried to jolly me along, not realising that all I wanted from them at that time was what I am used to giving to others. They talk, I listen and support without judgement. I think I need to pick my audience more carefully! Perhaps another INFJ would be a good start.
I’ve bookmarked this and will come back to it. It is me all over.
I really enjoy reading the stories of infj’s. Being this type has been as rewarding as it has been difficult in interacting with folks. I kind of look at it as im not going anywhere fast, so enjoy the ride…
Eric your words are like music and resonate deeply with
me. Personality typing I guess has gotten more than a few people in hot water. I guess it comes down to more than strictly how you get on with folks.
You sound like a very classy type guy. No pun intended lol. Thank you.
Thanks Michael, I really appreciate that. I’m sure you’re a great guy too. The responses here actually bring me a lot of happiness to know that INFJs, or any unique people in general, can rest easy in the common feeling that we all have experiences which are rewarding and difficult. The stories themselves, even if some contain misery, make me feel like things will be ok. Thanks.
I am a male INTP and I seem to have been attracted to INFJs all my life, long before I was aware of personality types. INFJs are mysterious and challenging to get to know, not boring, and seem to experience life more deeply and passionately than other types. Traits I lack on my own.
Trust me, i had my fair share of abuse in my past relationships too. Introverts in this society we live in are very rare and its hard for the majority of people to take time to understand us.
I am also a female INFJ, my advice to you is, don’t let your past get you down. INFJ like us have a variety of amazing qualities. I’m sure you ahve many great qualities about you that people took forgranted. Forget what others think. JUST BE WHO YOU ARE and let yourself shine.
Good luck in your future!
Oh, very interesting. I have an ISTJ friend right now who’s feeling like she’s a boring drag, and that’s too bad. Every type has their amazing advantages and can be appreciated by others in the world.
I am a female INFJ and have been with my ENTP partner for almost 6 years. We have a profound appreciation of each other and complement each other very well. In the beginning of our relationship, it was highly tumultuous and I consciously decided to shower this man with all the love I had to give – despite having been deeply hurt in the past by loving someone who ended up dumping me. This is something that my partner will never forget and always appreciates. The intensity of love that he experienced from me was completely novel for him, who had previously only engaged in shallow relationships. it created a safe and nurturing space for him to start really growing as a person. To this day, we share a super intimate, intense relationship that is completely satisfying, that our friends remain jealous of. But the flip side of that is plenty of my friends see the intense fights that we have and the amount of effort that we channel into our relationship and have said that they don’t want that for themselves. To each their own.
The complexity of INFJs, I imagine, makes us interesting to people who care to be interested by such things. I live in a fantastical fictional world in my head that, I’m sure, affects my interactions in the real world in many positive ways. It gives me the child-like exuberance to get friends to set up tents in living rooms where we stay up all night to talk about the seductive qualities of the dark side, It makes sex way more creative and fulfilling.
There are many ways that we can be drags. For example, I am annoying sensitive and sometimes unbearably controlling. These are the things that my partner tries to help me grow out of. But in many ways, we have lots of value to add to the world, if you just choose to look at your qualities positively.
This is amazing, not just as a guide for dating an INFJ, but for understanding them at their core. I might just do as Valtameri above said, and give it out to everyone I know as a way to better understand me.
Thank God for the internet. Still recovering from the ending of a relationship. It takes me a while to integrate and process it all. I always make sure I didn’t make a mistake in my actions. I hate to cause conflict but I had to leave and for all the reasons stated above. And yes, once I was treated in a bad way then I let er rip!!! I was so patient but I didn’t feel like I was being valued and I therefore couldn’t be so giving, caring and loving to a person who didn’t seem to reciprocate much love back. It was supposed to be casual, I can’t do casual. I tried. i can’t. It’s so black and white with us and well, it sucks if you want casual, but for the honourable one who wants to step up and be the real deal and bite the bullet and go for it, you will never ever regret it! Oh but can you handle being really loved? Receiving is an art, a learned skill. Anyone, who falls in love with us is a lucky person!
Very good stuff here. Practical information.
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I am an INFJ, and I want to print this out and hand it to everyone I know, haha.
Speaking for both myself and a friend as INFJs, thank you. In any kind of relationship, INFJs remain largely misunderstood and left in a state of wondering whether they are hiding themselves or the world doesn’t know how to treat them.
This really is some kind of Bible, it’s teaching the people to understand that we’re weird creatures that need to start being born with a manual!
Once again, thank you for posting this. This blog is amazing, I can’t even express how absolutely incredible and touching your posts here are. The whole thing is just beautiful; every post a new and even more fantastic piece of writing and insight. Thank you.
Wow, thanks for the kind words! I agree wholeheartedly with your comment; I’ve often wondered myself if the person I’m with simply doesn’t understand me or if it’s my fault for not being more open like other types.
Thanks again!
Wow! I thought I was the only INFJ. I’m so glad there is more people like me out int his world. Thank you so much for posting this. Like valtameri, I too will print it out and hand it to people. Ha!
I really hope more people will be more accepting of us introverts (or in this case INFJ)
Wow this is extremely great stuff I totally agree with everything in the post